Friday, May 26, 2006

The Bible II: The Adventure Begins

INTRODUCTION
Well, after much hemming, hawing, hewing, hamming, and hem-hew-hamwing, WULAD is proud to finally present...



...or tB:ii:hB for short. It's not so much a sequel as a reimagined, improved version of the original--much like Evil Dead 2.

tB:ii:hB will be delivered in weekly installments, so my lovely readers won't have to worry about being overloaded with too much awesomeness in too short a time. We begin "way back in the way back," as some old wrinkly black guy stereotype might say...

THE NEW OLD TESTAMENT

The Book of GENESIS, Chapter One (The Peter Gabriel Years)


IN THE BEGINNING...

...there warn't shit. This was an unacceptable situation, since if there's one thing a universe needs, it's things.

Yea, verily, shall I create some things? sayeth the Lord, to no one in particular.

(Oh wait--I forgot to explain about the Lord. He's this dude. This dude who was around back when there warn't shit, and He was all floaty and non-combobulated and omniscient, which means He knew everything, although as I previously mentioned there were no actual things at this time, so you could say by knowing everything He knew nothing, which sounds like something Yogi Berra would say, had he been created, which at this stage he hadn't.)

(Also I should explain that although the aforementioned Lord was all non-combobulated, he definitely had a wang--a wang as big as all the universe, which at that time was, if I may get all Bible-y on you for a moment, "without form and void," which meant that the Lord had very little luck with the ladies, since the last thing any self-respecting pre-Creation woman wants is to get mixed up with a guy whose wang is without Form and Void.)

And the Lord said, Let there be... Form and Void!

And since this was a fairly non-specific request, there was no noticeable change from before.

Heh... Just warmin' up, sayeth the Lord nervously, while adjusting His imaginary collar.

And the Lord said, Let there be... the 1972 Datsun 240z!

And there was the 1972 Datsun 240z, floating there in the Form and Void in all its Blue Metallic sweetness. And the Lord saw that it was good. Damn good, from the 2.4-liter SOHC straight six with dual SU-like carbs to the rack-and-pinion steering to the MacPherson struts, right down to the white vinyl interior and optional monogrammed plush seat covers ("gOd").

But the Lord knew that His new set of wheels was in need of some righteous tunes if He was to get any action on the cruise. So after stroking his noncombobulated chin for a moment, the Lord said...

Let there be REO Speedwagon!

And the Lord’s noncorporeal ears pricked up as he detected a sound moving across the face of the deep:

“Heard it from a friend who... heard it from a friend who... heard it from another you been messin' around...”

The Lord realized He needed someplace to show off his awesome new ride and tunes, so he then whipped up Matter, Energy, Gravity, Electromagnetism, and the Strong and Weak Nuclear Forces; Dark Matter (which, it turns out, is really just the Lord’s toejam); the Periodic Table (which was just taking up space in the corner of His living room anyway); the Heavens; the Sun and Stars; the 21 Planets (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Hyundai, Uranus, Neptune, Sedna, Xena, Oprah, Hoth, Keanu, Jenna Jameson Left, Jenna Jameson Right, Planet Hollywood, the Planet of the Apes, Animal Planet, Pluto, and Thelonious); and it looked like this.

The Lord then populated the Earth with all manner of zany plants, animals, bacteria, viruses, and chupacabras, who proceeded to just do they thing, you know what I’m saying. Since none of the above had any appreciation for the finer points of 1970s Japanese automotive craftsmanship, the Lord threw together a pile of cat vomit, shaped it into his own image, breathed some life into it, and called it Adam. Adam Arkin.

After pulling some stray bits of cat puke out of his chest hair, Adam Arkin looked around him, and said, "Lord, this place looks like ass. This dump has got as much charm as Peter Falk on the day I stole his glass eye and hid it in Shelly Winters' vagina."

But the Lord ignored Adam's whining, and said...

Let there be... pirate talk!

And shiver me timbers, thar be pirate talk. Yarr. And the evening and the morning were the first day, by which I mean exactly twenty-four hours, you moral-relativist bastards.

Here endeth Chapter One. You can go get your Jujubees now.

To Be Continued...