THE NEW OLD TESTAMENT
The Book of GENESIS, Chapter Three (The Mike & The Mechanics Years)
Last week on tBii:hB: After creating the heavens and the Earth and all that other mother jazz, God set up His two favorite kids, Adam Ant and Eve If-I-Want-a-Last-Name I'll-Axe-for-It-Sucka, with a dee-luxe apartment in the sky, featuring all the amenities you'd expect in a primordial paradise. After being alienated by Eve's sassiness, Adam excused himself to look at gazebo paint swatches, leaving the Lord and Eve in the outdoor home theater with nothing to entertain themselves but a "Surviving Nugent" marathon and a fridge full of Zima. And now, our story continueth...
After a few hours and several failed attempts at conversation with the surly and now-monosyllabic Eve (who at the moment was painting her toenails with dinosaur blood), God began to wonder where Adam had gone. So He omnisciented-up the answer and omnipotented Himself over to "Barber O' Eden," a local watering hole where He found Adam sipping a Tuaca Cosmo opposite a dashing bartender with tousled hair and teeth that went on for miles.
"Heyyyyyyyy, there's my good buddy," said Adam as the Lord walked in and began to admire the unusual genie-themed decor. "Listen," Adam slurred, "I want you to meet somebody. What am I saying?! You’re omnis... omission... omnishish... hell, you know who he is."
Uh, of course I do, God thundered. He paused. Um... but you should introduce us formally. He turned to the bartender and, extending His hand, said, I am the Lord thy God.
"Pleased to meet you, big guy," answered the tousled-haired hunk. "Love the beard—it's so 1970s—B.C., of course! But I kid. The name's Steve."
"Steve is Eve's brother!" said Adam, nearly knocking the umbrella out of his drink.
Eve's brother? said God perplexedly. But where did he come from?
"Honey, this is the Bible," Steve shrugged. "People just show up. You start with Adam and Eve and before they even get a chance to get busy you've got a whole bowling league."
The Lord scratched His head and conceded that He worked in mysterious ways—which could account for His decision to create the Datsun 240z thousands of years before the advent of gasoline—and grabbed a stool as Steve began to mix Him a Godsmopolitan, which consists of one part vodka, one part Cointreau, two parts cranberry juice, one oscillating neutron star on a plastic sword, and a twist of lemon.
A few hours and many cocktails later, the three boys stumbled out into the brisk Eden air and began to shuffle, arm in arm, making up songs as they headed back towards Eve & Adam's (which, you’ll remember, is a way a lone a last a loved a long the riverrun, just before the swerve of shore to bend of bay which brings you by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs, though why you would want to go to that dump is beyond me).
Check this one out, guys, quoth the Lord, and began to sing, She seems to have an invisible touch, yeh!
"What? 'She sees the hat and isn't gonna touch it?' What the pre-Hell is he talking about?" laughed Adam, though he couldn’t help but notice the telltale warmth of Steve’s hand, which had somehow crept into the back pocket of his jeans. God, meanwhile, strode on ahead obliviously, warbling on about Lands of Confusion and Lambs on Broadway. Eventually the trio found themselves back at "the Pad," where the Lord began to noisily make pancakes. Suddenly, the sound of a horrific voice caused God to drop his batter on the kitchen floor in fright:
"You better have a You-damn good reason for makin’ this kinda racket at 3:30 in the freaking morning, you Almighty son of a bitch!"
Eve stood in the doorway, her face a terrifying visage of night-cream-covered rage.
"Listen, you crazy bitch," interjected Adam, “Leave God alone! I've had just about enough of your abuse! I need my freedom!”
“Freedom?! You need freedom?” shouted Eve. "You ain't even consummated your damn marriage yet, and you already talking ‘bout freedom. You got responsibilities here!"
"I don't want to marry you!" Adam wailed as tears streamed down his face, "I want to marry Steve!" Eve’s eyes widened with fury as she leapt across the room, knocked Adam on the ground, and began raining blows on his face. Steve jumped to Adam’s defense but cringed as he inadvertently landed crotch-first on Eve’s flailing elbow. Then the Lord jumped into the fray, and things went downhill from there.
Here endeth Chapter Three. Tune in next week for the thrilling conclusion of... GENESIS!