THE NEW OLD TESTAMENT
The Book of GENESIS, Chapter Four (The Platinum Collection Years)
In the previous chapter of tBii:hB, discord came to the Garden of Eden as a rebellious Adam began to discover that his feelings for Eve's hunky older brother, Steve, went further than friendship. Despite peacemaking efforts by the Lord Our God, paradise turned to mayhem as the fury of an Eve scorned resulted in a full-on rumble of Biblical (II) proportions. And now, the thrilling conclusion of... GENESIS!
As the sun began to creep over the horizon, Adam awoke to survey the wreckage of his short-lived domestic bliss. God was passed out in the tub with a towel over his head; Steve lay asleep in a flower bed, with a large wet spot on his battered groin due to a now-melted ice pack; Eve had made a bonfire out of Adam's collection of retro polyester print shirts, which still smoldered weakly in the morning air. Adam vaguely recalled the events of the previous evening and hung his head. "God damn Tuaca Cosmos," he muttered.
After a sullen breakfast of Chee-tos and coffee, the Lord looked across the table at his three companions, none of whom were speaking to one another, and all of whom looked like hell. He decided this was an appropriate moment to reveal a new part of His plan, and perhaps give to them a renewed sense of purpose. All of you, come with me, He said. I want to show you something.
The others slowly got up and, after a minor quibble regarding Adam's proclivity for leaving dirty dishes in the sink (despite the fact that the Dishwasher Bush and the Tree of Clean Plates were three feet away), followed the Lord as He headed out into the Garden, down a path none of them had ever walked before. Soon they came to a beautiful tree, laden with ripe, succulent fruit. The Lord stood before it and addressed them:
Ch-ch-check, check it out, y'all—eating you may eat of every tree in the garden; but of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil you may not eat, for in the day that you eat of it, dying you shall die.
"'Eating you may eat?' 'Dying you shall die?' What the fricking you may frick are you talking about?" asked Adam.
Nevertheless, quoth the Lord, rolling his eyes, That's a big negative on eating from this tree. Ix-nay on the oot-fray. 'Not gonna do it. Wouldn’t be prudent.' Shalting not shall you shalt not.
No sooner were the words out of His mouth than they heard a loud crunch, and turned to see Eve chomping down on a big, juicy piece of knowledge-fruit.
What the fuck?! thundered God.
"Listen, God or whatever your name is," said Eve, wiping the juice from her chin, "You made our asses, and you know that if you put this shit up in the middle of the garden and tell us not to eat it, we damn well gonna eat it. Stupit." And shaking her head, she took another bite, while Adam and Steve picked fruits off for themselves.
"Oh, I so need this fiber right now," said Steve. "These are organic, right?"
Suddenly Eve stopped eating and looked at the others. "Holy shit," she said, her mouth full of fruit. "I can totally see you guys' wieners." And it was true; each of them looked down to discover their own ugly, disappointing genitals. Eve shrugged. "Eh," she said, and resumed eating. The Lord, meanwhile, was pulling at His hair furiously.
You people drive me freaking crazy! You deliberately disobey me! You—He turned to Eve—I will multiply thy sorrows, and thy conceptions: in sorrow shalt thou bring forth children, and thou shalt be under thy husband's power, and he shall have dominion over thee.
"Who, him?" laughed Eve, pointing at Adam. "I don't know if you noticed, Papi, but he don't like so much the girls. Besides, he knows if he tried to tell me what to do, I'd put his peepee in the blender quicker than you could say 'gazpacho.'"
Adam winced and instinctively covered his crotch with a passing marmot. "Look, God," he said, "before you start handing down the curses, listen to me for a second."
The Lord crossed his arms and waited, radioactive steam bubbling out of his ears.
"First of all, you're right, we disobeyed you," Adam began. "You told us not to eat the fruit, we ate the fruit. So sorry about that." God tapped His foot impatiently (which is what caused the Permian Mass Extinction, by the way).
"But you know," Adam continued, "we can sorta see where you're going with this. The whole metaphor-for-childhood thing, you know, where we're young and stupid and everything's provided for us, but then as we get older we learn about sex and death and we're thrown out on our own to fend for ourselves."
"Like when Raj and Rerun got their own place on What's Happening!!," muttered Eve.
"Right, just like Raj and Rerun," said Adam. "And it's a good story, you know, but we'd just as soon skip the drama and move out now, if you don't mind. Steve heard there are beaucoup tech jobs out West—and they've even got civil unions out there—but frankly, the main thing is that this place is starting to bore the crap out of us."
God sighed. Do you all feel this way? He asked. The others nodded.
"I already got my carry-ons packed," said Eve.
Wait, sputtered the Lord. Maybe it’s not too late. Maybe we can still work this out. Listen... And the Lord closed his eyes and began to sway as subtle synthesizer sounds flowed from a nearby Karaoke bush. Eve, Adam, and Steve grumbled and waited.
We cannot live together
We cannot live apart
That’s the situation
I've known it from the start
Every time that I look at you
Well I can see the future
'Cause you know I know, babies
That you don’t wanna go.
You’re throwing it all away
Throwing it all away, ay ay
Is there nothing that I can say
To make you change your mind...
"Nope," said Eve, looking at her watch. "It's been real, though. Thanks for the Zima, and for these," she said, grabbing her breasts and winking.
Realizing that His humans, who seemed only days ago to have been unformed blobs of proto-matter, had made up their minds and were really leaving the nest, God resigned Himself and began to think of how best to send them West of Eden.
Very well... Thou shalt take the Holland Tunnel, which is better this time of day. Then—He scratched His chin—Let there be... the New Jersey Turnpike!
And there was the New Jersey Turnpike. And it was... well, it was what it was. The Lord continued, Thou shalt follow the Turnpike to the Garden State Parkway, which shalt lead thou towards Trenton. From there, thou art on thy own.
"Wow," said Steve, turning to the Lord, "I guess this is it. Well, gimme a hug, you almighty bitch." As they embraced, the Lord could not resist a quick squeeze of Steve's firm tush, causing Steve to say, "Oh, you!" and wag his finger playfully.
The Lord God turned and looked at Eve, who was already on her cellphone making weekend plans, and Adam, who was packing the last of his disco records into the trunk of the Datsun. Adam extended his hand, saying, "Don't worry, we'll see each other at Christmas."
That's not for another two thousand years! whined God. Then He sighed and said, Just call once in a while, that's all I ask. And maybe a sacrifice of peace offering, if you offer it of the herd; whether it be a male or female, you shall offer it without blemish before the LORD, and you shall lay your hand upon the head of the offering, and kill it at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and the priests shall sprinkle the blood upon the altar...
"Easy now!" exclaimed Adam, "let's just stick with the phone calls, all right? Steve and I will send you some pictures of the baby."
Yeah, about that... mumbled the Lord, well, never mind. You'll figure it out.
As God Almighty watched the Datsun merge on to the West Side Highway toward the tunnel, He contemplated the now-quiet Garden, the empty Zima bottles, the Pete Sampras posters over Adam's bed, and thought wistfully of the days when the world was young, and reduction reactions within the Earth's convecting system of internal heat from radioactive decay combined with gravitational energy and collisional energy from planetesimal bombardment had not yet resulted in production of a metal-rich core and a silicate-rich crust-mantle structure.
Suddenly, God heard a blaring siren, and turned to see a black and white Jeep marked Eden P.D. rumble over a knoll and screech to a halt in front of the Tree of Knowledge.
Oh, Jesus, the Lord groaned to Himself, it's the cops. He cocked His head. Hey, 'Jesus'—I like the sound of that.
"Sir!" barked the patrol officer as he stepped out of the Jeep, "we received a report of a domestic disturbance at the T.O.K.O.G. & E., with a possible Forbidden Fruit Violation and Aggravated Blasphemy. Is everything all right here?"
Oh, my, said the Lord with exaggerated concern, the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil has been eaten! He paused, then shouted, Round up the usual suspects!
As the police sped away, God noticed that a giant ground sloth had begun grazing on the Tree of Knowledge.
Louie, He said to the sloth, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
"Urrgharrhnnnn," said the sloth, which can be roughly translated as "Oh my God—I’m naked!"
Here endeth the book of GENESIS. Verily, let us all go to the lobby and get ourselves some snacks.