THE NEW OLD TESTAMENT
The Book of MOSES OF THE MALL
In our previous installment, the first chunk of tBii:hB concluded as the First Man and the First Woman and the First Gay Brother hopped into the First Datsun 240z and sped East of Eden to begin their new lives. Today we present the first of three divine outsourcing jobs dictated by the Almighty to select volunteers from WULAD's Wregular Wreadership. As we rejoin the story, several generations have passed, and the patriarch of the New Hebrews finds himself facing the hard realities of the Biblical economy, while learning a little about himself along the way. From Gene Morgan—proof that you can still find a good man in Texas—it's MOSES OF THE MALL.
Moses looking for new socks. It's a little cold by the cookie stand. Moses prays to God. It gets a little colder. Moses is cold. Moses looks hard at a teenage girl. Moses asks God for forgiveness. God is happy. God likes that Moses is sorry. New socks at the Lord and Taylor, Moses thinks. Blue ones. argyle, maybe. Moses feels a little depressed inside when he sees a fat person with bad pants. Moses eating a frozen lemonade by the water fountain.
Moses playing the new Metroid game in the Electronics Boutique for an hour. Moses outside the food court, calling his ex-girlfriend on his cell phone. She needs Moses to stop and get some eggs. Someone has written 'fuck you old balls' on the mall bench, next to where Moses eats his ciabatta sandwich. Moses doesn't know that God wrote this. God laughs out-loud, out of a burning plastic bush near the Chili's.
Moses in his white Chrysler La Baron listening to an old Metallica album with the top down. Moses feels old. Moses feels everything inside that makes him sad and depressed and this destroys every little piece of interior worth Moses has ever built-up at his low income tech job serving shitty people who will never know his full name or care that he even exists. Moses turning up Metallica. It starts to rain before Moses can get his top up.