Friday, November 03, 2006

The Bible II: The Continuation of the Continuing Adventure Continues to Continue


THE NEW OLD TESTAMENT

The Book of GRUDGES, Chapters 13–14


Previously on The Bible II, we learned that even the leader of the Israelites went through tough times; for this week's installment, we turn once again to one of WULAD's fine and divine Guest Authors, who moves us forward in time to find the New Israelites under the oppressive boot of the Phillistines (whose name was derived from their rejection of high-concept art such as "Arrested Judahlopment" in favor of shows like "King Nebuchadnezzar of Queens," "Ashkelon's Next Top Model," and Tim Allen movies). The Lawdy Lawd will send them a hero, but will he be undone by his own accounting?

From Eponymagain, one of the internet's finest and most mysterious scribes, it's the first installment of a two-part presentation of ... GRUDGES 13–16: The Birth, Exploits, Revenge, Retirement and Death of Samson.


CHAPTER 13
The Birth of Samson


1. Phyllis Jackson faints on the soccer field. She thinks she’s just dehydrated, but her husband is worried. He has noticed that she has been having difficulty concentrating at work and is forgetful at times at home. At his suggestion, Phyllis goes to the doctor, where a series of tests reveal that she is pregnant. Phyllis is surprised as she has been previously diagnosed as unreproductive. In this story, readers will learn that Phyllis’s signs and symptoms must be interpreted as indicating a virgin birth.

2. A Certified health care worker appears unto Phyllis, saying, Now you are barren, but have yet conceived, and shall bear a son.

3. And the woman bears a son, and calls his name Samson: and the child grows.

CHAPTER 14
Samson Marries a Philistine Woman


1. Samson sees a young Philistine woman. He talks to the young Philistine woman and likes her. Her name is Delilah. She is curious about Samson's pedigree. Standard & Poor’s and Moody’s examines his profile and rates his strength according to risk as well as his past performance in the marketplace. Samson rates as very strong.

2. Samson makes a delicious feast for Delilah—as the young men used to do—and yet she tastes it not. And yet she sees that he has growth potential and a solid dividend payment record. They unite with legal force.

3. A local farmer becomes concerned after discovering a number of dead animals on his small farm, including some ducks, several deer, and a coyote, all within a single week. Fearing that someone might be poisoning his land, he hires thirty veterinary pathologists to investigate.

4. For three days they can give no answer to the riddle.

5. On the fourth day, they tell Delilah, Entice your husband to tell us the secret of this riddle or we will sue to revoke pension benefits.

6. Samson and Delilah change jobs and fail to roll the 20% withheld into a new retirement account within 60 days and are subject to the 10% tax.

MONDAY: Tune in for the thrilling conclusion of GRUDGES!