Thursday, May 24, 2007

The Bible II: The Continuation of the Continuously Continuing Adventure Continues to Continue
(Part I)

It's been a long, long while since the last installment of this Holy Whatsit, so to bring you up to speed, here's a quick summation of the story so far:

  • In the book of GENESIS, we were introduced to creation, the Lorud Gowud, REO Speedwagon, the Datsun 240z, Adam and Eve, Adam and Steve, and the fall of Man (actually it was more like an excited jump);

  • The book of MOSES OF THE MALL fast-forwarded a few hundred years to tell the tale of how the Head Hebrew In Charge adjusted to life in the suburbs; and

  • GRUDGES relayed the sad tale of Samson, his wife Delilah, and the terrible consequences of their poor financial planning and lack of tax shelters.
Now, we skip ahead many generations into the shiny freshness of the New New Testament, to find our hero, Jesus (whose back-story will most likely be fleshed out at a later date) confronting the malaise which all heroes face during the lazy afternoons of boredom which inevitably crop up in their otherwise action-packed lives. So from long-time WULAD Wregular Dale Shipley, who views every broken watch as a message from the Lord, it's the Book of DAGOBAH...

THE NEW NEW TESTAMENT

The Book of DAGOBAH, Chapter 1


Every day's the same in outer space. You start missing the seasons. If you're moving at light speed it's at least slightly fun, but in general space life makes you a little claustrophobic. Grumpy, even. Here's a basic picture of your life. It's airlock, ship, airlock, ship. The next guy who farts in an airlock with me is a dead man. Another airlock, another ship. Then, to break up the monotony, some planet where the weather's always exactly the same.

The most exciting thing that happens these days is for a X-wing to crash into the swamp. Fortune has handed me on to the swamp world Dagobah, and I'm apparently such a draw that there's more scrap metal submerged around here than you can telekinetically shake a stick at. Frankly, I'm sick of the whole "young one comes to learn the Force" thing. There have to be five or six of the bastards moping around here somewhere, being all emotional about something. Yeah sure, you'll be Jedis someday, I tell them. Now go boil yourself a swamp toad for dinner and think about your belly button. And they do it. Because I'm Jesus.

Oiling robots all day back on Tatooine almost had me pulling my hair out. Well, not really. My flaxen hair is gorgeous. It's been called Barry Gibb-like and it's always what's drawn the ladies to me, so I never pull it out as much as brush it gently.

And don't get me started on Uncle Owen and the farm. A real miracle is that I avoided nailing myself to a cross out of sheer boredom. It's not like letting me run to Tashi Station was going to bankrupt the damn guy.

Looking back, the Empire was the best thing to ever happen to me. It was almost a shame to destroy it, but by that time I'd already moved up in the world, so to speak.

Everyone likes a messiah, whether on earth or in a galaxy far, far away from it. As a result, back then I took girls to parties, met cool people, and the Force was strong with me. I had excellent hair. Light, but still with nice body, you know?

A little background on the the Empire: they were a bunch of corporate scumbags. They called us terrorists, cop killers, thieves, dishonorable sand-speeder jockeys, anything to turn the locals against us. And their plan worked out great. The assholes owned all the TV and radio stations and monitored every communications network in the galaxy, so it didn't even have to be the truth. The truth was an inconvenience, better left for someone else.

What strange twists of the Force lie ahead for Jesus? Tune in next week for the thrilling conclusion of Dagobah!