The Bible II: The Continuation of the Continuously Continuing Adventure Continues to Continue
Welcome back, my friends, to the sacred show that never ends... The Bible II.
Last week we were dragged kicking and screaming into the New New Testament with the first installment of the Book of DAGOBAH, in which Jesus, Son of God and Lord of the Jedi, began to unfold the long, sad tale of his life amid the stars and the wars from his swampy outpost in the galactic backwaters.
And now, as spiritually channeled by Dale Shipley, noted free thinker and connoisseur of the unclothed female form, WULAD proudly presents the conclusion of DAGOBAH...
THE NEW NEW TESTAMENT
The Book of DAGOBAH, Chapter 2
So the Empire was chasing us around the galaxy and making our lives a hell, and basically militarizing the whole galactic economy on a perpetual basis to pay off their industrial tycoon buddies. And until you start convincing people to start hating money, our job wasn't getting any easier. Constantly on the run, we wound up in some distant-ass corners of the universe. I almost got killed by what some friends and I later drunkenly dubbed a "Wampa" back on some frozen planet we had to flee to. I was the one that made up that name. It's like I told you, back then people thought I was cool. I hate Dagobah.
Back on Tatooine a couple of robots had literally dropped out of the sky and showed me some video of a total hottie who's all "help me Obi-Wan" and stuff, so I wound up meeting and kissing her. That was cool till I found out she was my sister, which was just the beginning of my family problems. Turns out my dad was the evil king of the Empire, which weirdly only reinforced the whole messiah thing.
That kiss, by the way, was as close as I got to the sins of the flesh. "How did you do it?", people have asked me about abstinence. "I mean, women were all over you, and you were all monk-like and ignored them." I'd say I wasn't tempted, because when you're Jesus, people will believe anything, because they want to. Takes all the work out of lying. I might as well tell you the truth, now that I'm all old and whatnot. It's called technology, folks. Once I figured out R2 could play any video I wanted and I installed a certain low-tech body modification under his side panel, my sexual gratification problems were solved. The cool thing about that was that even though C3PO could understand him I didn't have to worry about him finding out. R2 wasn't going to be telling a soul. And he did this thing with his little pincher, but I digress. Where were we?
There was this mega-big space station called the Death Star that the Empire built to vaporize pretty much anything, and we got the plans to it, courtesy of the robots, so I blew it up. You'd think that would be hard to do, but even before I learned the Force it was no big deal. Honestly, I used to bulls-eye wamp-rats in Beggar's Canyon back home anyway, and I pretty much just launched a space torpedo at it and it went "bang."
I've seen the video of right after we nailed it, and when I take my helmet off it's like a fuckin' hair commercial. I wish I'd thought to sell that footage to some shampoo company when I had the chance.