Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Kvetch as Kvetch Can
The following is an excerpt from an SF Gate article on the UK’s soccer/media/sarong luminary David Beckham (who also starred in this year’s breakout indie hit Bend it Like My Big Fat British Chocolat):

His golden-boy visage is plastered on product ads from Barcelona to Beijing, he is married to the former Posh Spice, and his presence has probably resulted in more wet crotches, both male and female, around the world than anybody since Elvis.
I’m neither a homophobe nor an Anglophobe nor even a SpiceGirlophobe (I can even appreciate their charming testament-to-the-state-of-British-dental-care smiles), but when I turn to my trusted local news outlet, I generally do not like to read about who caused how many wet crotches. There are many fine websites specifically geared toward this topic, but I feel that a venerable journalistic institution such as the San Francisco Chronicle should not be one of them. I personally stumbled upon this article quite innocently while doing a Google search for “golden wet boy crotch” in conjunction with my scientific research. Also I resent my exclusion from consideration for the esteemed title of Mr. Responsible For Most Wet Crotches Since Elvis. I have now said my peace on this matter.

Funny Things My Friends Once Said, vol. xcdvi
The scene: Several years ago, the proto-WULAD is suffering through a cold while at a health food store with longtime comrades Clare-Bear and Snarly; Snarly is showing me an Asian herbal remedy she’s taking that she believes is helping her cold. I ask her what it’s made from; Clare-Bear quickly snorts: “I believe it’s Ye Olde Chinese Placebo Flower.”

Heat Up the Stove
With 2003 World Series’s, both real and imagined, consigned to the mists of the past (and if I may give myself just a few more warm fuzzies by saying, “Yankees lose! Thaaaaaaaa Yankees lose!”), we begin the long march toward April with a WULAD Wround-up of Mets-related offseason news. (I know, none of you care—that’s why I put this last.) The Times talks about Jim Duquette’s preparations for the scaling of Mount Unsurmountable; the Post discusses all the scuttlebutt surrounding the possible acquisition of Kaz Matsui and the potentially disastrous move to shift franchise shortstop of the future Jose Reyes to second to accommodate him; and Bryan Hoch has a photo of the new GM that pretty much sums up how freaked out he is by the task of transforming these aspiring third-placers into contenders.