Showing posts with label self-promotion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-promotion. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Tids, Bits

Here's a new thing that Wayne of the Gladstones came up with and which Tobe Matty and I have been contributing some jokes for--the Boiler Room News. I think you'll agree that the camera loves Wayne's basement:

I think you'll also agree that it's better than 78% of the other fake news out there. And it allows for many long email threads about what the appropriate pause length before delivering the punchline of a panty joke is. You can view the entire series so far at the lovely Boiler Room News website.

And here are some things I've written for other sites which pay cash money (or as C-baby says, "More sandwiches for me!"):Anywho, that's all for now. As those cool kids at the Renaissance Faire say, "More anon!"

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

WULAD's Haunted Halloween Grab-Bag

I triumphantly survived the earthquake, thanks for asking. Now, I have three amazing things for you today—first, I have a post up at Comedy Central's InDesicion '08 blog which features a run-down of this year's crop of frighteningly realistic political masks, such as:

Hillary Clinton
Represented: Steely-eyed lust for power; gleaming teeth sharpened on the bones of political rivals; classy yet playful hairstyle
Missed: Genuine warmth and charm; giddy anticipation of all the fun the FBI can have with Rush Limbaugh once she's elected
Accessories: One Ring to Rule Them All; tasteful pantsuit

Condoleeza Rice
Represented: Petulant dejection of reputation in tatters; urgent need to go to the bathroom
Missed: Inner jubilation at all the Halo 3 she'll have time for once Bush is out of office
Accessories: Chevron supertanker bearing her name, which she will convert to tricked-out party-yacht in retirement

Barack Obama
Represented: Giant aural appendages evolved specifically to hear problems of troubled Americans; bizarre unwillingness to talk sh*t
Missed: Amazing campaign skills just waiting to burst forth... just waiting... any day now...
Accessories: Giant sandwich board reading, "Hussein Is a Very Common Name in Africa, Not That I'm From Africa... USA! USA!"

Bill Clinton
Represented: Almost pathological empathy; cheery satisfaction that this f#*%ed up country is no longer his problem
Missed: Knowledge that he just unhooked your bra with his eyes
Accessories: Cheeseburger hidden in shirt pocket

To continue reading "Halloween on the Beltway," click here. (And in case you're wondering, yes, this means I'll be invited to all the cool parties now with people like Carlos Mencia and Rita Rudner and the cast of that show about cops in shorts.)

Second, here's my list of last-minute costume ideas based only on news items found on Yahoo's Most Popular index:

  • Mangy Pennsylvania Bigfoot-Dog

  • Sexy Burmese Marching Monk

  • Petra Nemcova's Cleavage

  • Chihuahua in a Cowboy Hat

  • Mrs. Jerry Seinfeld in a Chef's Hat

  • Zombie Robert Goulet

  • Dog with a Shotgun
Finally, what Halloween would be complete without a stroll down memory lane for your annual read of Terrifying tales of Halloween Dorkage Past? No Halloween, that's what. Enjoy your tricking and treating, and watch out for the razor blades and perverts!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Workin' for the Man Every Night and Day

In another "Holy Crap, They Pay People to Do This?" development, I'm happy to announce that as of this week I'm going to be contributing semi-regularly to Comedy Central's Indecision '08 blog. My first appearance is a group effort, painstakingly compiled with fellow Junkiness alumni Messrs. Tobey, Gladstone, and DiClaudio:

You may be wondering why Chuck Norris has decided to throw his massive support behind Mike Huckabee for president. Turns out there's a bunch of reasons...
  • When Mike Huckabee participated in the Iowa Straw Poll, they had to re-name it the Iowa Iron Pole.
  • Mike Huckabee can cut taxes... with his penis.
  • Stephen Hawking told Mike Huckabee the universe was 12 billion years old once. Once.
  • Mike Huckabee lost 100 pounds of body fat by eating it.
  • Jesus asked Mike Huckabee for career advice, but Huckabee was too busy body-slamming Satan.
  • Mike Huckabee flosses his teeth with the bones of abortion doctors at least twice a day.
  • Mike Huckabee is forbidden to interfere with human history.
  • Top scientists believe global warming is a direct consequence of Mike Huckabee getting angry.
  • Mike Huckabee opposes gay marriage because every man on earth wants to marry him.
  • Mike Huckabee won't repeal the Estate Tax out of sympathy for the families of his victims.
  • Mike Huckabee has completed six marathons, two of which aren't until next year.
  • Fred Thomspon, John McCain and Rudy Giuliani all got cancer because Mike Huckabee looked at them too hard.
  • If Mike Huckabee is elected, he'll bring all the troops home--he can handle this himself.
  • If Mike Huckabee had been around in Biblical times, the symbol of Christianity would be Pontius Pilate with a cross up his ass.
But wait--there's more!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Funky Robot Love

I've got my first official post up at the new Cracked blog today:

You’ve heard the arguments, of course—that gay marriage will lead to a moral permissiveness which will rip apart the very fabric of our society. What they fail to mention is that this slippery slope may also lead to a future filled with funky robot lovin’, according to one scientist:

“My forecast is that around 2050, Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots,” researcher David Levy told LiveScience…

Assuming that Dr. Levy is correct—and let’s face it, if they can put a man on the moon, there’s no reason they can’t give us the infinitely more important robotic sex machines we all deserve—here are six sultry cybernetic models which I believe should be first off the assembly line...
Read the rest to find out which lucky robots made the cut, and which were left crying silicon tears on the hard metallic floor of rejection.

Friday, October 12, 2007

WULADly World News

I have several items of interest to share with you today, my prodigal sons and daughters.

First, I have a new thing up on that fine website McSweeney's today called Horror Movies for Kids. This supplements my two earlier McSweeney's things, "Alternatives to Opening a Can O' Whupass for the Less Confrontationally-Inclined" and "Favorite Gerund Movie Titles, Un-Gerunded." (You'll notice I wrote them using my nom de plume.) One of those even ended up in a real paper book, for which I earned enough money to buy eight $2.99 daily sandwich specials at Subway. Please click on over and read and enjoy them forthwith.

Secondly, I have signed on to become a regular contributor to the recently relaunched (but currently buggy) Cracked.com blog. This is exciting for at least two reasons: one, it will allow me to spread the joy of WULAD to a wider audience, some of whom will hopefully come here for more and/or to tell me I suck; and two, it will subsidize my $2.99 daily sandwich specials at Subway. I'll be posting there on Tuesday afternoons, Thursday mornings, and alternating Fridays. (Kudos to Glayne Wadstone, a former Junkiness squad member and current Offsprunger, for his assistance in procuring this "gig," as those crazy beatnik kids say nowadays.)

(If you're justifiably wondering whether this means WULAD is going to go back to the state of empty suckage from which it only recently recovered, the answer is a full-throated NO. You people have shown me that freelance blog-gigs come and go, but WULAD Nation is forever.)

Which brings me to the last item on today's agenda: I have to say I am so—dare I say—stoked about the quality of everyone's fine Batman, Mi Amor contributions that I've decided they're too good to lie rotting in the comments box, festering in their own literary smut. Since I don't have the resources to buy each and every one of you a $2.99 daily sandwich special at Subway, they will all be featured in a future secret project about which I can't tell you anything yet, except that it's going to be 834,672.043 kinds of awesome. So if you haven't yet tossed your hat into the ring, there's still time.

Good weekends all around, and try not to get too shit-faced at "Al Gore's Nobel Prize Fiesta and Global Warming Beer-Bong Kegger"!

Friday, October 05, 2007

The WULAD Also Rises

NOTE: Today, in an attempt to rekindle the smoldering ashes of the once-mighty WULAD Nation, I sent the following letter to all the members of said Nation who were foolish enough to provide me their email addresses. In case you didn't receive one, the sentiment still stands.

Hello Internet "Friends":

No doubt you've been aware of a vague emptiness in the pit of your lower left soul over the past year or so, a hunger which no amount of sugary confectionery, deep-fried lollipops, or cocaine-dusted teddy bears can fill. You'll be happy to know that through the use of highly-advanced scienceology, my team of kidnapped Iraqi germ-warfare researchers have identified the source of this sensation: you have rabies.

But also, you've been missing your beloved WULAD. Well, you're receiving this email because, at some time or another, you played a small part in the digital blog-odyssey known as Wrapped Up Like a Douche (or if you didn't, then I believe you would have had you been given the chance). And after a period of scattering my oats over the internet hoping one of them would sprout and grow into a mighty recognition-tree, I recently decided to come back home to the site that started it all, and resume posting semi-regular content. Naturally, my formerly vibrant community of rabid readers, cracklin' commenters, and starry-eyed stalkers had long since left the joint for dead.

To make matters worse, due to an infuriating SNAFUBAR on the part of the wonderfully mediocre blogging apparatus which hosts the site, I found that my legion of RSS subscribers had been scattered to the four winds, so even the loyalest of loyal readers had no way of knowing I'd picked up the torch once again. So here I am, cap in hand, asking for you to come on back and once again rule the galaxy at my side.

As a bonus, I'm kicking off Homecoming month with a challenging contest which I'm sure will tickle your fiction bones. (What's the prize, you ask? Not dying of boredom, that's what.) So, young men and women of WULADland, do you accept this charge? What say you?

WHAT SAY YOU?

Huggybunnies,

Ian

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Covering All the Bases



This restaurant is opening up near my Dad's house. The phrase "all things to all people" comes to mind. Personally, I'm looking forward to sampling that Italian Barbecue--throw another lasagna on the grill, Luigi!

Speaking of all things to all people, I've got a post up at the new Cracked blog, which is beta-testing this week. Check it out.

Monday, August 20, 2007

WULAD Web Wround-Up

It's been a while since I did one of these. In fact, when last I checked, no one was reading anymore anyway! But that's OK, it takes away the pressure to produce quality material. Today, however, I will link to quality material, some of which I actually produced.

For those of you who enjoy the baseball, and smart and funny writing about said baseball, I implore you to read Fire Joe Morgan, which is dedicated to the proposition that ridiculous and stupid commentary about our national pastime must not go unchallenged, even or especially if it comes from the pens/mouths of the game's greatest players. Although most of the site's activity centers around the brilliant player/stupidy stupid commentator mentioned in the title, some vitriol is spared for the various other old uninformed codgers around the sports journalism world who pollute the airwaves/newspaper pages/screens with anti-logical moaning and groaning on a daily basis.

For example, yesterday's post castigates an Andy-Rooneyesque columnist who bemoans the preponderance of selfish home runs of some players, as opposed to selfless and charitable home runs of others:

You are stupid, sir. This is a stupid thing to say... To imply that A-Rod is less valuable [than Magglio Ordoñez] because he, I guess, hits more home runs, but has never exactly hit a home run that won a pennant for his team... I mean... that is just... farty. That is farty writing. That writing smells like farts.
Anyway, read and enjoy.

Meanwhile, in case you haven't had time to read the good work we've been doing over at The Cleaver, here are a few of my recent posts over there which you might enjoy:I'm planning on keeping up at least one post a day over there for the near future, so stop on by if you're in the neighborhood.

Finally, I've seen a lot of stories today about the death of Leona Helmsley, the "Queen of Mean." Now, call me old-fashioned, but I don't believe in speaking ill of the dead, so I'd like to suggest that from now on we just call her the "Queen of Misunderstood."

Friday, December 15, 2006

WULAD Web Wround-Up

The W. W. W.-up drops unexpectedly into town just in time for the holidays, to drink all your brandy and eggnog, guilt you into buying gifts, and tell dirty jokes to your children! Let's begin.

  • T-shirts and other fine merchandise emblazoned with the emblem of the Church of Tivo (which I designed back before I had to switch to that Comcast shit DVR machine which is to Tivo what Blimpie's is to 2nd Avenue Deli) are available at Junkiness, along with a variety of holiday and celebriwhore-themed items. Head on over and buy many of them.

  • Speaking of Junkiness, I put up what may be the single most objectionable thing I've ever written there today. Feel free to read it and then send me letter-bombs.

  • I'm moderately pleased that CariDee won. I'm looking forward to seeing Melrose on the home shopping network sharing that fake smile with the bedridden credit-card addicts of the nation. Either that or on a Simple Life-style reality show with Jade.

  • Remember what I said about Terri Schiavo and the right to die? I may have to take it back.

  • Our favorite celebrity-spanker single-handedly resuscitates the genre with this one-act play.

  • Happy Hanukhah! (from C-Baby)

  • Reminder: If you subscribe to the notorious WULAD xml feed, you need to update the feed URL. See below for the nerdy details.
Have a good weekend, and try not to stick any dreidels up your ass!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Not Dead Yet, Vol. MCXVII

I guess I decided to take a week off. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! Seriously, though, I've been pushing out at least one a day over at Junkiness (mine are the really non-hip ones), which you could try thinking of as "WULAD East" or something. It's slightly more biting and less Garfunkel-centric, however.

I will send you into the weekend with the following comment, which reminds me why WULAD's Commentin' Commandos really rock the house more than those of any other website. It showed up on my post about Jan-Michael Vincent's cello artistry during the intro to Airwolf:

To whom it may concern,

I was wondering whether you know where I might be able to find the cello score for the songs played in the movie Airwolf.

Please let me hear from you.

Thank you,

Chris
Can't help you, Chris, but kudos to you for staying away from crowd-pleasers like the Bach Cello Suites and going after the really challenging examples of the repertoire. Best wishes and good luck on your recital!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

One More Damn Thing to Read

I'm back to contributing semi-regularly to the Cacophonous Cavalcade of Comedy that is Junkiness, so I encourage all WULAD Wregulars to try making it a part of your daily routine along with shaving, composting the boss man's food scraps, and working in the re-education camps.

While sporting a crack team of contributors (of which I am only one of a talented handful, and the least productive one at that) and easily making the coveted "Technorati 25(,000)", Junkiness has had some difficulty building a reliable and interactive Commenter Corps.

For example, after a furious election-aftermath output of a dozen quality posts, the site received a total of ONE comment, which read:

normally I like nearly everything on junkiness.com, but I found this tacky and tasteless.
Oh no she dinn'nt! So you can see why the site is desperately in need of the kind of quality peanut-gallery responses we get here at WULAD, such as:
It's really weird to see a news article about the killing of a friend's fiance on a site I read and laugh at all the time...
Oh no she dinn'nt! Or
I loved The Great Space Coaster! I remember The Beautiful Actress Sally Struthers of the sitcom All In The Family Guest Staring on this 1980's children's t.v. show. TGSC cast joked that Puppet Goriddle Gorilla had a big crush on Actress Sally Struthers. When she came on the show as a guest star, Goriddle Gorilla told her that he was in love with her. Sally Struthers then held him by the chin. Later on alone, Sally Struthers and Puppet Goriddle Gorilla sang a song together that went: "Just The Way You Are!" Sally Struthers is such a kind person! She has such a pretty face...
Oh yes he did(dd)!

So head on over, read some smartass stuff, and give us your tired, your poor, your muddled sasses yearning to screed free... [Please stand for National Anthem.]

Monday, September 25, 2006

Wrapped Up Like a Published Author

Well, the day I've waited for my entire life has actually come (and gone, come to think of it)——the creator of your very own WULAD has wormed his way into a printed, published (and soon to be pulped, no doubt) book.

It's called Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists, and it features a plethora of humorous bits penned by a cast of probably-not-thousands-but-more-than-tens. In addition to myself, this cast includes many other talented humorous-bit-producers I sort-of know in a digital way (such as the oft-imitated but never-penetrated C. Monks, for example).

But why, you might ask, should I spend my hard-earned drug money on this former happy, living tree, when I can just as easily read all the same lists on McSweeney's minimalist-designed website at no charge? My answer comes in the form of just the sort of "witty" list you might find in the book in question:

REASONS TO SPEND
$12.95 ON
"MOUNTAIN MAN
DANCE MOVES"
RATHER THAN
READING THE LISTS
FOR FREE ON
MCSWEENEY'S WEBSITE.
- - -

  • You can read it on the toilet, which I wouldn't recommend for the website.

  • Could potentially fill you with the incomparable feeling of smugness that comes from supporting an independent bookseller, even if you secretly suspect they're trying to turn your kids gay.

  • No additional money will be passed on to me no matter how many copies are sold, giving you the satisfaction of causing me to question whether I should've held out for another ten bucks.

  • Every time a McSweeney's book gets remaindered a bearded hipster somewhere silently weeps.

  • Prevents you from being the last one at the water cooler without an opinion on "Ways Art Garfunkel is Superior to a Dented Can of Vienna Sausages."

  • The book may in fact contain exclusive material not found on the website. I don't have any reason to believe this, but I suppose it could be true.

  • The unicorn-in-pastels cover art brings an air of rugged masculinity to even the daintiest of Scandinavian-designed coffee tables.

  • Four Porsches is just not enough for Dave Eggers.

- - -

So run on out to your neighborhood bookstore or predatory high-volume mail-order reseller, and pick up a copy if you know what's good for you. It may be your last chance to read me in print before The Bible II gets picked up by Random House.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Coming Up: WULAD's Rerun Week!

Next week, I'll be guest-snarking over at Junkiness ("For Addicts of News, Gossip, and Heroin"), a sexciting newish venture from the creators of such internet hotspots as Haypenny, Utter Wonder, and Kittenpants. Since this will no doubt require me to spend every spare moment trawling the bloated underbelly of celebrity in search of juicy tidbits about Lindsay Lohan's toe fungus, I will be unfortunately unable to grind out the sort of semiweekly hilarity that readers of WULAD have come to expect.

However, the WULAD Wregurgitation Wpatrol has graciously agreed to step in for the duration of my absence, and will be presenting a no-holds-barred, no-stone-unturned, no-new-material-unnoncreated week of near-endless laughs and re-good times, all while paying tribute to the late great Fred Berry (whose spirit is currently streaking across the night sky over the Arctic): that's right, I'm talkin' bout...



Each day, we'll be presenting samples from WULAD's glory days for your reappreciation or re-not-give-a-shit-ation, and with any luck, be back with fresh material the following week, or my name isn't "Mel Chaim Shlomo Abraham Hyman Goldstein Ben Gurion Jingleheimer Gibson."

Enjoy, and be sure to check in on me while I fail miserably at my new (substitute) gig!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

A Red-Letter Day, as My Grandfather Would Have Said*
Yesterday I dragged my ass out of a warm bed at 7:15 a.m., put a cold and uncooperative trumpet on my face for 45 minutes, crawled out of the the comfort of my home and into the rain toward a surprisingly empty BART train, which deposited me on surprisingly lifeless streets, culminating in my arriving at the office to find a locked door and a security guard with a demeaning expression on his face. This is because I diligently checked the list of holidays for 2005, which included Friday's New Year's Eve day off, but fittingly enough excluded Monday's New Year's Day holiday, which presumably sits triumphantly atop the list of holidays for 2006.

Later, a bird shit on my head. It's going to be a banner year.

Incidentally, I've got a thing up at Utter Wonder today. Go bask in its glory or whatever. Feliz Navi-New Year!

[*Or "Red Weiner Day," as C-baby's brother puts it. Correction: I've been informed that it was actually my brother-in-law, and not C-baby's brother (who happen to share the same name), and that he actually said "Red Boner Day," which is even worse.]

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The Douche That Time Forgot: Part I
Note: While I continue skyrocketing to fame over at The Spoonbender, several of the usual suspects will be presenting their favorite apparitions of the Ghost of WULAD Past. First up: Gene.

Ian Delano Garfunkel: blogmaster, jazzercist, poet. Hello, I'm Gene Morgan from the blog, 'POMPADOURED.' You may know me from the comments section of this site, or from that time I dressed in a hard-hat and boy-shorts to dance on stage to C & C Music Factory. I'm an ass-kisser, and I'm here to talk about something very special.

From the days of Samuel Johnson and The Rambler columns, the opinion hungry public has desired someone who could deliver them from the tyranny of boring words, a lover of wisdom that could upchuck the literary-humor-done-daily nastiness, someone who in one stroke could usurp the Jews who wrote the Jesus story, roll over that cooze with the hashed-out Harry Potter books, and deliver something more filling and fat-assed than Tex-Mex.

I'm not saying that WULAD is bigger than adolescent wizards and Jesus and... Okay, maybe I am saying that, but seriously dudes, WULAD is salvation and pre-pubescent magic rolled into a tortilla and fried with a side of refried beans and rice and guacamole AND a margarita with salt. On the rocks.

Ian is bigger than queso, bigger than cheese enchiladas, bigger than fajitas - especially when it comes to putting things atop a douche and wrapping said things with said douche. In fact, WULAD is the king of douche in our douche-y but lovably fresh America. Totally. And as so, Ian is our Douche Jesus, our Harry Douche, our Franklin Douche Roosevelt—He's all of these things. He's a blog wizard dynamo jazzercist poet god, and you, yes you picking your nose and eating ice cream and tab-browsing porn, you should love his genius, forever.

So I'm supposed to pick something out. Some nugget of WULAD TNT that'll make you sweat 'til you bleed. Something so quizzical and rapture filled that your ass will fall flat out the seat of your pants, and you'll weep silently into your mound of cookie-dough and fleshlight, steady past 2045. Prepare to lose your queso puffs in mere seconds, friends. I did, and I still don't understand why.

The Tyranny of the Clone Stamp Tool



I have no idea what this means but I feel it somehow had to be made.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

WULAD Wround the Web
Howdy doody, WULAD Nation. Things are going to be in a little bit of flux around here for a while, as I will be spending the next ten days in a glamorous "guest-blogging" assignment at another, more popular website. However, I would never dream of leaving my adoring fans, or just my regular fans, or even the military spies who monitor this site, without nourishing infotainment for so long.

Therefore, beginning tomorrow, we'll be presenting some of WULAD's greatest hits and most monstrous misses, with witty introductions and commentary provided by upstanding members of the WULAD Faithful, who may or may not have curried my favor with gifts, donations, curry, and/or favors.

So enjoy this hodgepodge of the old and the new, while you stock up on pornography, unpatriotic literature, birth control, Will and Grace reruns, and science textbooks, all of which may shortly become black-market contraband under the iron fist of Supreme Court justice Art Garfunkel.

Meanwhile, I leave you in very capable hands. Your Ob'd'nt S'vt, etc.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Self-Plagiarization is the Highest Form of (Self-)Flattery
The other day, while browsing a website that was pulling in thousands of readers a day long before your dearly betolerated WULAD was even a glint in its founder’s lazy eye, I came across a reference to an earlier piece from the same site which featured some sorta-chuckleable commenting from yours truly.

(For those new to the world of "blogging," it is the solemn duty of every "blogger" to comment wittily on no fewer than a dozen superior "blogs" each day. Exceptional examples of this might include such bon mots as "Ha ha! Your funny," or "You suck, nobody cares what you think," or "Get Lev1tra and C1alis, n0 pre$cripti0n needed!")

"It is a God-f*cking c*cks*cking damn mammajammin’ shame that this sorta-chuckleable material is hidden away on this very popular site," I thought. "Why not share this with my own handful of readers, so that they may sorta chuckle at it?"

And what are the ethical ramifications of this? I believe Hume put it most aptly when he said, "Bite my fat Scottish ass."

Oh yeah, the set-up... It’s a list of TV shows that have been retooled to be about animals. So sorta chuckle away, and feel free to add your own much funnier contributions (and see you at my gig tonight, Bay Area-ers).

The Must-See TV Fall Line-up, As Modified After the Great Animal Revolution of 2005

  • Swinefeld
  • Llama's Family
  • My So-Called Lice
  • Koala My Children
  • Snapper Spawn, M.D.
  • Family Flies
  • Mad About Eukaryotes
  • WCARP
  • Sphagnum, P.I. (not an animal, I know)
  • All in the Family Drosphilidae
  • Designing Wombats
  • Remington Steelhead
  • The Wonder Yeast
  • Jerry Springbok
  • T.J. Hookworm
  • My Favorite Marsupial
  • The Love Boa
  • CHimPs
  • The Greatest American Heron
I only said sorta-chuckleable, all right? Jesus...

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Several Things
Primero: I have a new thing up at McSweeney's today, "Alternatives to 'Opening a Can o' Whupass' for the Less Confrontationally Inclined." Every one of these tiny morsels of fame I can scrounge from under the table of success may be my last, so savor these moments, kids. (I'm not dying, that I know of, I'm just running out of ideas.)

Segundo: The Bounty of Barouque Badassness known as the WCKR Bach Festival 2004 has begun. So dust off your RealPlayer and get your ass over there for some churchin' up. As I said to C-Baby, "Hey, the Bach Festival's starting—I get to replace my jazz nerd hat with my barouque nerd hat!"

Finalmente: I know I said it would be Fridays, but since most people have tomorrow off I've decided to go ahead with the next installment of the Catch of the Day Classics. Enjoy, and have a Merry Whatever.



Monday, December 20, 2004

Attention, WULAD Shoppers!
Believe it or not, I actually came this close to buying a Spoonbender t-shirt for C-Baby last week, when I suddenly thought, “Why give up my girlfriend’s chest as advertising space for that shitheel, I mean talented writer, when I could use it to advertise for myself?” (Although, of course, it was really about buying her something nice. Sort of nice.)

Anyway, before you could say “self-aggrandizement,” I had created, out of thin air, the marvelous WULAD Pride Store, featuring the aforementioned t-shirt and other beautiful merchandise to proclaim your status as a patron of the internet’s Hottest Home of Hilarious Horseshit. So head on over and load up on the tree-trimmin’est, lords-a-leapin’est, God-bless-us-all-every-one’innest crap you ever laid your sugar-plum-dancin’ eyes on!

[End commercial. Actual content to follow.]

News Stories I Won’t Be Satirizing
Every so often there comes a time in a man's life when he looks at what he's made of himself, and until that day comes here's four stories which I'll be passing on running through the ol' WULAD Humor Machine.

  • Exploding Zamboni: No, it’s not the new post-punk sensation sweeping the nation; it really happened. If I were going to attempt to satirize this story, it would probably be something along the lines of, “Other exploding objects to avoid during the holiday season: snow blowers, Christmas tree flockers, chestnut-roasters, reindeer inseminators, Regis Philbin,” and so on. But I’m not.

  • Army Guy Offs his Gay Iraqi Boy Toy: This is a real heart-warmer for the holidays. Satire for this one would most likely include a reference, à la Annie Hall, to how in addition to screwing the Iraqis figuratively, we’re now doing it literally as well. And maybe something about Regis. But again, passing on this one.

  • Campaign of Deception Used to Push Patriotic Song Up Charts: Hmm. How about, “Campaign of Deception? More like Crap-paign of De-Crap-tion!” Or, “Can those yokels even spell ‘campaign’ or ‘deception’? ” See what I mean? Forget it.

  • Cheesesteak Death Threat: Regis? No, never mind. I’m telling you, you should be thanking me for my restraint.
That’s it. Happy Monday, and my sympathy goes out to the person who came to this site searching for “my girlfriend cheating black guy”.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

C-List, Here I Come
My gerund movie thing from McSweeney's got a mention in the GreenCine Daily yesterday; it's only a matter of time now before I'm your boss.