Monday, November 10, 2003

À la recherche du WULAD perdu, vol. II
Well, it’s been three days since I spilled the beans about my tumultuous pornographic home video past, and as of this morning I have yet to be contacted by legal representatives of either of the lovely and talented celebrities whose good names I relentlessly dragged through the mud in search of a quick laugh (let me reiterate here that it was all completely true), although the guy from Dude, Where’s My etc. did call to offer his services should my story be made into a major motion picture or an after-school special. To celebrate WULAD’s status as the Teflon® Blog, our archeological team has unearthed another glimpse of the shady origins of its widely tolerated style. So, from the mists of the past, we present the following piece, dated September 1989, when the WULAD lad was a sprightly 15...

Okay. Here was the scenario: Crazy Jack Smith the mass-murdering pal o’ mine had recently taken a turn for the worse. After mutilating 97 people in my home town of Skeeter Gulch, Florida, he had come after me with one of those multi-purpose kitchen tools and I was trapped in a Bible-school supply warehouse. I was petrified... mainly because I had to catch a plane...

Hiding behind a box of prayer books, I could hear his raspy breaths not too far away. He coughed and wheezed. "Hey ya lil’ snot-rag! I’s gonna smash yo' face clear into da ground!" This was real bad news for the plane situation... It was gonna be hard to enjoy my Chicken Kiev with dehydrated peas if my face was smashed clear into da ground.

The closer he got, the easier it was to tell... he smelled like a dead pig, only less pleasant. Just as I was sure he was going to kill me, he jumped into the light. His face! He wore the tattoo of Bondaluccio! "What! Then you must be..." I started.

"Your brother!! It is me! You thought I was—"

"Dead, yes, killed by the Count of Spam!" I interrupted.

But then the lights came on! My friends jumped out and started singing "Happy Birthday" to me! It was all a sham! Ho ho ho! What a gas!

But then I woke up! It was all a dream! But then I woke up! It was all a dream! YUK YUK YUK! Ho ho ho ho Yuk Yuk.