Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Wrapped Up Like A Week Off
This morning, C-Baby alerted me to this piece of Paris Hiltonography, which is exactly the kind of vehicle into which the WULAD news team has been pouring their creative juices for these past few weeks while our nation has been under that tantalizing temptress’s siren spell. I reacted less than charitably at the prospect of yet another, funnier (albeit fact-checker caveat-laced) version of my own schtick: “I bet he doesn’t have to come up with new material every day!”

Her response: “You don't have to come up with new material every damn day. Contrary to popular belief, people really did manage to make it through the day before your blog existed.”

They did? What the hell did they do with themselves? I had to concede the point. I was being overcome with blog bitterness, the result of squeezing one too many sweet pearls of inspirational syrup out of an increasingly sapped trunk—and just as the WULAD message was starting to make inroads, winning a cutthroat contest (tying for first with three other bloodthirsty competitors, that is) at one esteemed site, being added to a select list of the “Only Other Blogs Worth Reading” at another—but I realized, my fellow Americans, that this was a Sign. The heavens opened and I heard a voice, calling down on a sunbeam, which I recognized as belonging to recently deceased Winningest Left-Handed Pitcher of All Time Warren Spahn: "Hey, jughead! Whyn'cha give the e-yappin' a rest for a cotton-pickin' minute! Spend some time workin' on your infield defense and shaggin' flies! Give that damn Hilton harlot a break from your yammerin' and rediscover the fire in that piss-ant never-worked-a-day-a-back-breakin'-labor-in-your-life belly of yours!"

"That unsavory hall-of-fame voice from beyond the grave is right," I thought out loud, to the dismay of my fellow riders on the 27 bus, "I should take some time off, catch up on all my Tivo'd episodes of Sabado Gigante, spend some quality time with my friends and pornography, and return a revitalized, hippin', hoppin', a-hip-it-to-the-hop-and-you-don't-stoppin' blogger. Therefore I will be giving the overworked WULAD media empire and their domestic partners the week off, and resuming regular hilarity and megalomania next Monday. Man, is it gonna be madness and mayhem when we get back!

But we wouldn’t think of leaving you without a vacation time-waster... via Belle, comes this fascinating tool that can guess which dictator or sit-com character you’re thinking of, 20 questions-style. It successfully outfoxed yours truly on Harris from Barney Miller, Ferdinand Marcos of the Phillipines, and even Jonathan Winters as Mork’s kid from Mork & Mindy. The best part is the interspersing of dictator vs. sit-com questions, such as when I felt it was zoning in on my pick of Charles from Charles in Charge, only to be asked, “Did you attempt to unite the Slavic people?” Also, it recognizes George W. Bush as a dictator, even going so far as to differentiate our current President Action Figure from George Bush the elder with the question, “Is your son also an asshole?” That oughta last you a few days, at least.

I also suggest that our readers shake off their sense-of-abandonment blues by patronizing any of the fine websites to the right of your screen, or browsing the treasure trove of wit that is the WULAD archive. We close with the follwing message from Our Lady of Charity and Lo-Fi Porn, Miss Paris Hilton:

Hiya folks, I'm totally bummed that my erstwhile lover and whipping boy WULAD is taking the week off, but why not make it up to yourself by pledging a penny or two per porn-searching hit to my very own Paris Hilton Crotch Shot Foundation, which is stuck on six pledges? In addtion to helping Afghan refugees, participants will also qualify to be entered into a random drawing for a special Parislicious Prize! Stay tuned, and keep those phones a-ringin'... [throws up.]
Addendum: Be sure to read the riveting installment of C Monks' novel (which WULAD helped to title) in the comments below—mega bonus points will be given for anyone reading the mighty e-tome in its entirety.