Lunar New Year’s Resolutions (47)‘02
- Lose those holiday pounds by adhering to a strict diet of molten lead.
- Finally get around to accepting the validity of the Second Vatican Ecumenical Council.
- Translate the complete works of Marilu Henner into Pig-Latin.
- Stop calling Ricky Schroeder every damn day to ask him if I can play the arcade games he has in his house.
- Give up nail-biting. From now on, those people on the bus will just have to bite their own nails.
- Stop adding “Bellgrande” to everyone’s names.
- Help old ladies across the street instead of just into the street.
- Let go of my fierce, irrational hatred of Hawaiians.
- To mine own self be true; and mine own self wants to get down.
- Find a cure for the summertime blues. Or barring that, a cure for cancer.
- At least once a week, purify body and spirit by bathing in Velveeta®.
- Devote self to championing the misunderstood genius of Robin Williams’ dog.
- Spend at least as much time updating WULAD as I spend doing “that other thing.”
- Use fear and demagoguery as an excuse to erode the nation’s basic liberties and further enrich the elite at the expense of the neediest.
- Do the Monster Mash.
- Stop coveting my neighbor’s wife, especially since my neighbor’s wife is a blind, 87-year-old shut-in who speaks only Khmer.
- Volunteer weekly at local soup kitchen; only this time, serve soup in bowls instead of shooting it through a high-powered hose.
- Save the Welsh.
- Reduce frequency of frantic calls to psychiatrist to one per super-intelligent talking gazpacho.
- Resist irritating urge to do the right thing.
- Tell the truth and shame the Devil Dogs.
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