Tuesday, January 20, 2004

The powerhouse of internet fiction and sundries that has been Haypenny.com is ending its three-year mission. Accordingly, WULAD humbly offers tribute with...

Ways In Which I Will Express My Lament at the Imminent Demise of Haypenny.com

  • I will stage a three-day medieval tournament dedicated to finding a champion worthy of replacing the mighty Sir Haypenny of Com. Medieval Coke and toaster strudels will be served, and Polaroids of guests making out with life-size wax replicas of the Haypenny editors in period costumes will be available for purchase.

  • I will Cry Me A River, but it will turn out to be the Amazon River, and I will be devoured by piranha within seconds. My skeleton will then be used by my lovely assistant Rita to spell out the phrase, “I miss Haypenny.com.”

  • I will invent long, complicated excuses for why I never got around to submitting anything to Haypenny.com such as, “Moments before I was to submit my brilliant contribution titled ‘The Many Very Good Reasons Why I Have Taken So Long to Submit Anything to Haypenny.com’, I was rendered unconscious by a powerful wiffle-bat blow to the left pancreas from Michael Score of the 80s pop sensation A Flock of Seagulls.”

  • I will retroactively cancel Christmas this year. Please return the gifts I gave you and regurgitate any remaining holiday treats.

  • I will take out a classified ad in a local weekly paper with text as follows: “SWM seeks anyone to mitigate my crushing grief at the imminent demise of Haypenny.com by submerging me in a tub of warm (but not hot) salmon gravy. Make sure the gravy is warm. But not hot! ND/NS, light heroin use OK. And NO AMISH—this means you.”

  • I will allow no drop of water to touch my right leg below the knee until a humorous-fiction website of equal or greater distinction is discovered.

  • I’ll be there for Haypenny.com. These five words I swear to Haypenny.com. When it breathes, I want to be the air for Haypenny.com. I’ll be there for Haypenny.com. I’d live and I’d die for Haypenny.com. Steal the sun from the sky for Haypenny.com. Words can’t say what humorous fiction can do. I’ll be there for Haypenny.com.

  • I will drone on endlessly to my friends and family about how this is the saddest day "since they cancelled Jake & the Fat Man," and then, after locking the doors and sealing all exits, insist on showing them all 74 episodes of said show in succession, including the rarely-seen "Jake & the Fat Man Do It."

  • I will continue to steal liberally from the Haypenny archives, including but not limited to the following: ideas, Cheetos®, vintage sex-ed films, board games, LEGOs® (pre-1986 only), signed and authenticated Yakov Smirnoff souvenir memorabilia, money.

  • I will release my idiot twin brother from the attic for an entire hour and allow him to sing his favorite song, “Food Poop Pee-Pee Jenna Jameson Haypenny.com Water Please Water.” We will then weep together—I, for the loss of my favorite humor website; my brother, for the relentless beatings he receives from his governess, Mistress Painlashing.

  • I will refuse to eat freshwater shellfish until Haypenny.com is declared the 51st state of the Union, but even then I still may not feel like eating freshwater shellfish. So back off, Chef Fancy-pants.

  • I will pen an in-depth, thought-provoking piece titled, “Ways In Which I Will Express My Lament at the Imminent Demise of Haypenny.com,” which I will then be unable to submit to Haypenny.com due to its imminent demise.