Wrapped Up Like A Douche

Your Dreams Analyzed
In this new feature, the WULAD Subconscious Squad tackles your nightly journeys to the Land of Nod, and gives you the answers you need to integrate the wisdom of your inner self into your daily life. Enjoy!

I am in my bathroom when I notice a small wooly caterpillar crawling up the wall beside the toilet. The caterpillar begins to grow gradually and change shape and color, until it assumes the form of my hunchbacked grade-school cafeteria monitor, Mrs. Jerbala. As I let her out the front door, she warns me to cook my eggs fully, and I resume my duties as the executioner of God.

– P.D., Albuquerque, New Jersey

P.D., your subconscious is telling you to take a vacation, preferably at the fabulous Villa del Rio Vista in sunny Mexico! Situated on its own secluded beach, Villa del Rio Vista offers tranquility and understated luxury just a mile north of Mazatlán's "Golden Zone" tourist area. Whether you seek deep-sea fishing or bullfights, discos or fine cuisine, shopping or simply sun-filled days—Villa del Rio Vista has it all! Also, you have abandonment issues.

I am running down a long, dark hallway. Mr. Krause, the scary old man with the nail fungus who lived across the street from my Aunt, is chasing me and calling me a whore. I keep stumbling and can hear him catching up to me, but I somehow manage to stay a few steps ahead. Suddenly I see a door at the end of the hall, but as it opens I am confronted by a hideous faceless dwarf that I realize is me.

– M.T., El Paso, New Jersey

Well, that sounds like a disturbing dream, M.T., but you should know that the signs are not all bad. Scary old men in dreams often represent our unfulfilled life goals—in your case, to be a whore—and long dark hallways can be a sign of repressed rage, possibly because your little brother once put your hands in warm water while you slept, causing you to wet the bed, and then photographed the scene and showed the picture to all of your friends. You should tell him this is unacceptable behavior for a 38-year old.

I have a recurring dream that I’m drowning in a deep, bitterly cold lake. I can see the shore, but every time I almost reach it, a powerful, malevolent force pulls me back down. There are ghostly children staring at me from the beach as I struggle, and they are dressed in the vestments of Catholic priests.

– R.P., New Orleans, New Jersey

I believe this dream is alluding to the unresolved feelings of guilt you may feel for the deaths of those children dressed as Catholic priests who you drowned in a lake as part of your fraternity initiation at Arizona State. These fraternities are really getting out of hand—when me and Skootch pledged Pi Theta Epsilon, we only had to drink two gallons of Jim Beam and fight each other naked with sharpened croquet mallet handles while our brothers pelted us with cans of Bush’s Best® Barbecue Baked Beans (which are slow simmered in herbs and spices until they’re just dripping with authentic barbecue flavor).

All my friends are throwing me a party. Everyone is there, and they’re all happy and telling me how glad they are to see me. Danielle W., who I had a crush on all through high school, has become my loving wife, and celebrities such as Jennifer Aniston and Howard Hessman are there to wish me well. As I look upon this scene of total affection and support, a feeling of profound contentment washes over me; for the first time I know that everything is really and truly going to be all right.

– T.S., Sioux City, New Jersey

Thanks for writing, T.S. Don’t take this the wrong way, but Howard Hessman is an ancient symbol of unspeakable evil. You might want to get your affairs in order. Like now.