Wrapped Up Like A Douche

For Whom the Blog Rolls
According to today's Left Pedal, Ernest Hemingway compulsively recorded his blood pressure and other medical data in his copy of Wuthering Heights. In keeping with our tradition of parasitically riffing on ideas from other people's creative labor, we would like to present...

WULAD's Great Works of Literature, the Vital Statistics Which We Will Obsessively Record Inside Them, and the Frequency of These Record Entries

Fat Men From Space, by Daniel Manus Pinkwater: size (in mm) of mole on left thigh; twice weekly.

Y2k: It's Already Too Late, by Jason Kelly: weight (in oz.) of giant prize onion bagel growing in garden; four times daily.

Jim McMahon's In-Your-Face Book of Pro Football Trivia, by Jim McMahon and David Brown: value of retirement savings stored in impregnable LEGO fortress in attic and guarded by no fewer than three Voltron sub-lions; once per fortnight.

The Fourth Instinct: the Call of the Soul, by Arianna Huffington: number of times KRON 4 Morning News anchor Darya Folsom's name whispered accidentally in heat of passion; every two orbits of the Martian moon "Phobos."

The World's Largest Cheese, by Christopher Cerf: weight (in lbs.) of artifacts, clothing, or mulch removed from KRON 4 Morning News anchor Darya Folsom's garbage under cover of darkness; once per trash collection cycle.

The Great Reckoning: How the World Will Change in the Depression of the 1990s, by James D. Davidson: number of X-rated limericks with first line, "There once was a woman named Darya," crafted mentally while in food stamps line before realizing I do not qualify for food stamps; every third turn of the tide.

Being Your Best: Tina Yothers' Guide for Girls, by Tina Yothers, with Roberta Plutzik: articles of fashion-forward yet surprisingly non-water-resistant swimwear created using only scissors, glue, and recycled issues of Black Tail magazine; daily with the rising of the morning star.

General Electric Microwave Guide and Cookbook, by General Electric: amount (in gallons) of Orville Redenbacher's Gourmet Zesty Cheddar Cheese Popcorn® and sliced rutabagas delivered daily to the set of the KRON 4 Morning News, minus number of legal documents delivered to me by attorney of Darya Folsom, plus number of envelopes filled with dried pigeon poop from driveway and pictures of self in Girl Scout uniform mailed to said attorney; once hourly.

Jesus CEO: Using Ancient Wisdom for Visionary Leadership, by Laurie Beth Jones: time spent (in min.) doing job actually paid for, once annually.

Note: To the person who accessed this site while searching for "Condoleeza Rice wet panties"—I just don't know what to say.