Wrapped Up Like More Old Crap
Good morning folks, and welcome to another edition of Stuff You've Probably Seen Before!™ We continue our week-long trip down memory lane with an entry originally penned on my last birthday. Well, hopefully not my last birthday...
(Note: to make the 6th line from the bottom of this entry perfectly Y2K4-compliant, change "last place in the NL East" to "fourth place," and $86 million to $82 million. The sentiment remains the same.)
The Wisdom of Age
As today is the 29th anniversary of my entrance upon the world stage, I thought it appropriate to share some of the insights that have occurred to me during the many ups and downs and unders and throughs of my ever-waning life. Therefore, WULAD presents for your edification and infotainment...
The Paradox of our Time
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We have computers that can balance our checkbooks, but can't murder our enemies.
We have more productive crops, but not more productive craps.
We have Wrapped Up Like a Douche, but we don't have Wrapped Up Like a Family.
We can tune a piano, but we can't chicken salad.
We have movies like "All-Asian, All Anal," but not "All-Asian, All Kindness."
We have Wrapped Up Like a Douche, but we don't have Winona LaDuke.
We can go to the Moon and back, but we can't walk across the street to spy on our sunbathing neighbor.
We can take the boy out of the country, but we can't take the country out of the boy, except surgically.
We have more possessions, but fewer demonic possessions.
We have taken God out of our childrens' schools, but we can't keep Him out of their hearts, except with really good porn.
We have hi-speed internet connections, but we don't have hi-speed riding lawn-mowers. But man, if we did…
We think old people are soooo cute, except when they're racist.
We rush to buy the new Madonna album, but I saw an Echo & the Bunnymen CD on the floor of the bus today.
We're not gonna take it, no, we ain't gonna take it.
We have projectile vomiting, but we don’t have projectile happiness.
We have a payroll of $86 million, but we're in last place in the NL East.
We have six-foot Brazilian She-males, but we don't have six-foot Brazil nuts. Think of all the freakin' Brazil nut butter, though.
We have more smooth jazz stations, but fewer torture chambers.
We have the Sausage McMuffin with Egg, but we don't have the Sausage McMuffin with Bacon.
We have Wrapped Up Like a Douche, but we don't have Wrapped Up Like a Douche-bag.
It is a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just search for a naked picture of Britney Spears, which is available here.
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