Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog reported in the Like Swingin’ Cold War Journal, July 28, 1960

  • Miles Davis borrowed my laptop and pawned it

  • Still trying to figure out why Norman Mailer called me a “White Negro,” but I don’t think he meant it in a good way

  • Spent past 3 days on a Benzedrine-fueled creative spree only to discover typewriter is not internet-ready

  • Busy planning vacation in the happy tropical paradise of Northern Vietnam

  • I can't remember if I cried when I read about his widowed bride, but something touched me deep inside, the day... the music... died. So I’ve been watching a lot of porn

  • Bandwidth is for shit ever since El Telecóm de la Revolución Popular took over Havana Online

  • Concerned about Windows58’s vulnerability to viruses and the Red Menace

  • Saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, and it really bummed me out

  • Just got back from Manchuria, but I assure you it had nothing to do with my candidacy

  • Some dude in a cowboy hat crashed through my ceiling on an H-bomb and totally trashed my iMac

  • Busy planning vacation in the happy tropical paradise of the Bikini Atoll

  • The Khmer Rouge came by and burned my house down and killed my entire family—I guess those guys aren’t really into blogs

  • Takes forever to get your lunch in Greensboro ever since those Negroes started sitting at the counter doing nothing

  • When Khruschev said he'd "bury" me, I didn't think he meant it literally, or that the chosen medium would be Vienna sausages

  • Practicing for long, lucrative career as house bongo-player at jazz poetry café

  • You wouldn't believe how much yammering about the afterlife you have to sit through to get Shirley MacLaine in the sack

  • Don’t believe the hype: Sputnik Broadband® sucks