Wrapped Up Like A Douche

Bush vs. Kerry: The Adventure Begins
Is it just me, or did last night’s debate seem a little... scripted?

On the hunt for Bin Laden…

KERRY: Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down to the pond and chasing bluegills and tommycocks. You've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's too many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.

BUSH: I'm a superstitious man, and if some unlucky accident should befall Osama—if he is to be shot in the head by a police officer, or be found hung dead in a jail cell... or if he should be struck by a bolt of lightning—then I'm going to blame some of the people in this room; and then I do not forgive.


On campaign finance reform…

KERRY: Where's that money, you silly stupid old fool? Where's that money? Do you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal and prison. That's what it means. One of us is going to jail - well, it's not gonna be me.

BUSH: You're right, I did lose a million dollars last year. I expect to lose a million dollars this year. I expect to lose a million dollars next year. You know, Sen. Kerry, at the rate of a million dollars a year, I'll have to close this place in... 60 years!


On negative campaigning…

BUSH: You and I are very much alike. Politics is our religion, yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light.

KERRY: Normally, your ass would be dead as fucking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this shit while I'm in a transitional period so I don't wanna kill you, I wanna help you.

BUSH: Senator Kerry, I'm gonna give you three seconds, exactly three fuckin' seconds, to wipe that stupid lookin' grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull fuck you!


On the war in Iraq…

BUSH: Kid, there's something I ought to tell you. I never shot anybody before.

KERRY: Ohhh! Great warrior!? Wars not make one great!


On building international alliances…

KERRY: Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But uh, until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day. To Ben Affleck.

BUSH: What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Sen. Kerry, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.


Final thoughts…

BUSH: Yes. Yes. I'm George, George Bush. I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.

KERRY: Hello, my name is John Kerry. You kill my father. Prepare to die.