Three More Short Lists that are Probably Better than Nothing
Part 1: Little-Known Esoteric Beliefs of Scientology
- Each person’s soul is comprised of equal parts intuition, emotion, and Mexican chocolate
- God’s true name is known only to Art Garfunkel but he’ll tell you if you bring him balloon animals
- It is theoretically possible to attain perfect enlightenment using an ordinary household Tivo® recorder
- Contrary to the Judeo-Christian Bible, the Chosen People are actually the Croats
- Total cost of salvation: $78,945.23 (gratuities and towel fees not included)
- L. Ron Hubbard was able to fly at will, but he usually didn’t feel like it
- "New Coke" was better than old Coke
Part 2: New Events to be Added if the 2012 Summer Olympics are Held in New York City
- 2m Turnstile-Jumping
- Full-Contact Apartment Hunting
- 3m Platform Dumpster Dive
- Roach Wrangling (Apparatus and Floor Exercise)
- Speed-Gentrification
- 200m Trust-Fund Emptying Dash
- Synchronized Fuck You
Part 3: Things the Mets Can Do to Salvage Their Season
- Petition to change the official rules of baseball so the team scoring the fewest runs in nine innings wins
- Stand on clubhouse toilet while hanging a clock, fall and hit heads on sink, come up with idea for the flux capacitor, allowing the team to travel back in time and return to a present where Alex Rodriguez and Vladimir Guerrero are Mets and everyone has a shiny new 4X4 in the driveway being polished by George Steinbrenner
- Replace All-Star catcher Mike Piazza’s spot in the lineup with Jimmy, the team’s loveably "special" bat boy
- You know, there’s still a good chance you can use steroids and get away with it
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