Monday, June 20, 2005

Three More Short Lists that are Probably Better than Nothing

Part 1: Little-Known Esoteric Beliefs of Scientology

  • Each person’s soul is comprised of equal parts intuition, emotion, and Mexican chocolate

  • God’s true name is known only to Art Garfunkel but he’ll tell you if you bring him balloon animals

  • It is theoretically possible to attain perfect enlightenment using an ordinary household Tivo® recorder

  • Contrary to the Judeo-Christian Bible, the Chosen People are actually the Croats

  • Total cost of salvation: $78,945.23 (gratuities and towel fees not included)

  • L. Ron Hubbard was able to fly at will, but he usually didn’t feel like it

  • "New Coke" was better than old Coke

Part 2: New Events to be Added if the 2012 Summer Olympics are Held in New York City
  • 2m Turnstile-Jumping
  • Full-Contact Apartment Hunting
  • 3m Platform Dumpster Dive
  • Roach Wrangling (Apparatus and Floor Exercise)
  • Speed-Gentrification
  • 200m Trust-Fund Emptying Dash
  • Synchronized Fuck You

Part 3: Things the Mets Can Do to Salvage Their Season
  • Petition to change the official rules of baseball so the team scoring the fewest runs in nine innings wins

  • Stand on clubhouse toilet while hanging a clock, fall and hit heads on sink, come up with idea for the flux capacitor, allowing the team to travel back in time and return to a present where Alex Rodriguez and Vladimir Guerrero are Mets and everyone has a shiny new 4X4 in the driveway being polished by George Steinbrenner

  • Replace All-Star catcher Mike Piazza’s spot in the lineup with Jimmy, the team’s loveably "special" bat boy

  • You know, there’s still a good chance you can use steroids and get away with it