Wrapped Up Like A Douche

4:30 p.m., Anytown, USA
Oh, hi honey, how was school? Really, straight A's--that's great. Guess what? I've got some wonderful news for you. AFP called--oh, I guess they're a news agency of some kind--and they want to use a picture of you for a news story. It's going to be all over the internet.

The big Spelling Bee? No, it's not about that, but I'm sure everyone would be impressed to hear about that, too. What's that? No, honey, it's not for the Academic Decathalon either, but again, good for you, sweetheart. I know, when they first called I thought it might be about your community service awards, too, but it's not those.

Well, actually, I think they want to show how good you are about your exercise program--wait, just a minute, honey, let's not jump to conclusions. They assured me the picture is really fatter- uh, sorry, sweetheart, flattering, and people all over the country will be able to see it and appreciate how hard you've worked to drop those few little pounds Dr. Moskowitz talked about. Well, it's funny you should ask; I think he actually steered them in your direction. We'll have to thank him at your next appointment!

Really, sweetie, I think you've got this all wrong. What's that? Oh, well if you're worried about that, I'm sure it won't be seen by too many people--and if they would say anything mean then you don't want them as friends anyway.

Oh, which reminds me--that really pretty girl from your class--Brittany? Is that her name?--she came to the door this afternoon selling raffle tickets for Student Council, so I made sure to tell her about the article so everybody will know how famous my little girl is! She seemed really excited for you, though, she could hardly contain herself--she said she'd make sure everybody at school knew about your accomplishment.

Honey, I really think you're taking this the wrong way.

Listen, young lady, don't you take that tone with me! Those nice people went to a lot of work to find just the right picture for their story, and you're going to appreciate it! Now get upstairs right now, and don't you come down until you've written that news agency a nice thank you letter--a nice one, I said!

I'm telling you, years from now, you'll be so glad you had this opportunity.