Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The Public WULADitor
A while back, during a stint stealing the spotlight of another website--which, though more widely read than this one, is probably less widely quoted while snorting nose-candy off the ample bosoms of American Idol-castoffs--I declared a moratorium on slogans pairing the surname of our president with a certain euphemism for female pubic hair. And it seems to have worked, although I might be less likely to notice ever since I gave up on America and stopped attending protest rallies.

In recent months, however, I've become aware of an insidiously growing trend in sloganeering which, while not new, has certainly begun to increase exponentially in usage. Imagine, if you will, my significant other and I, walking contentedly through our still-surprisingly poop-free neighborhood toward the BART station, when suddenly we are assaulted by the following piece of accusatory sidewalk vandalism:

Now, I know this little "meme" (some guy with big teeth and a slide rule taught me that word) has been around for a while in a variety of formats--and even without this new addendum, is definitely deserving of a big-time kibosh. But this one in particular really annoys the crap out of me. Why? Let's break it down:

1. "He Lied": Lying implies the ability to recognize empirical, or at least consensus-based, truth, as opposed to fantasy, delusion, or conditioned dogma, a distinction which, according to all available evidence, George W. Bush (the "He" in question) is utterly unable to make. (Remember, this is a man who believes that, any day now, he and Laura and Billy Graham and his dog will be magically whisked into the front row seats of salvation while the Love of Christ dumps wrath-bombs all over the non-believers, with much gnashing of teeth.) If the man believes it, it's "true." So one could say Bush made a bad decision, or trusted the wrong people, or didn't objectively evaluate the data, but I don't believe he lied any more than a child telling his mother the quarter under his pillow came from the tooth fairy is lying.

2. "You Knew": Well, duh. Of course we did, if by "you" our anonymous stencil-bandit is referring to the residents of the mostly liberal Oakland/Berkeley area in which this message has been seen. We knew; we voted against the guy, twice; we engaged in a myriad of protests, both in person and on our stupid websites; we sent worthless email petitions; even--despite pleas to desist--chanted slogans pairing the surname of our president with a certain euphemism for female pubic hair. If you want to point fingers, how about taking your grubby little stenciling-hands to the suburbs, or the Red States, or to Christopher Hitchens' house? "You knew." Up yours.

3. It is beyond a shadow of a doubt to me that the person responsible for this act of unbearably lame civil disobedience is an insufferable jackass, and probably an affluent white kid living off Dad's dime who will be voting Republican by the time he or she is 35 while reminiscing about those crazy days spent slumming with the hippies and defacing my neighborhood.

So in conclusion: I HEREBY DECREE that this is the last God damn use of the "Lied/Died" bit allowed--the unoriginal slogan-slingers will have to get back to the cliché drawing board and come up with some new and annoying way to trivialize the tragedy of this bullshit war.* Have a nice day!

*Thanks to Dale for this spot-on terminology.

UPDATE: I guess somebody didn't get the memo.

UPDATE 2: And somebody else didn't get it either. My patience is not infinite, people.