Several Short Things Which Are Probably Better than Nothing

1. The media is lying to you. This is a Jim Henson creation designed to distract you from any number of governmental and corporate scandals. (I know it's not by Pixar because it isn't giving me nightmares.) "Southern Tamandua"--that's not even a very good fake name. They could've at least called it a Lesser Jib-Warbling Cuddlymundi or something. You disappoint me, media conspiracy.

2. As a fan of the Other New York Team, I've learned to enjoy hating "Chipper" Jones of the Atlanta Braves, mainly because of his spirit-crushing heroics against the Mets, but also because of his ugly stupid face. So I was gratified to read this quote from The Chip, who's currently playing alongside the likewise ugly-stupid-faced Roger Clemens on the U.S.'s underachieving World Baseball Classic team:

Asked what he thought of Clemens after being with him on this team, Jones said: "He's more like Jesus than I thought. Guys would be huddled around talking smack in the clubhouse and Roger walks in. It's like the parting of the Red Sea."

Yeah, I remember it well: Jesus parted the Red Sea, right before he escaped the Romans and headed for the mountains of Pakistan. Way to know your Bible, you poor excuse for a Southern cracker.

2½. Other possible analogies Chipper Jones could've used to describe Roger Clemens:

• He's more like Abraham Lincoln than I thought. Guys would be huddled around talking smack in the clubhouse and Roger walks in. It's like the Battle of Trafalgar.
  
  
• He's more like Captain Kirk than I thought. Guys would be huddled around talking smack in the clubhouse and Roger walks in. It's like the death of Darth Vader.
  
  
• He's more like Richard Pryor than I thought. Guys would be huddled around talking smack in the clubhouse and Roger walks in. It's like that "Assassination of Buckwheat" sketch.
  
  
• He's more like Søren Kierkegaard than I thought. Guys would be huddled around talking smack in the clubhouse and Roger walks in. It's like the mind playing an active role in constituting the features of experience and limiting the mind's access to the empirical realm of space and time.
  
  
• He's more like Chunk from The Goonies than I thought. Guys would be huddled around talking smack in the clubhouse and Roger walks in. It's like that scene in The Goonies where Clark Gable says, "Frankly, Chunk, I don't give a damn." (Got more? Knock me out.)

3. Here is a picture of a fascinating no-hole Cheerio I found in my cereal this morning. If this isn't a sign of the coming apocalypse, I don't know what is.



...I said "probably" better than nothing.