Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Secrets of The Da WULAD Code

C-Baby and I went to see that big whoopty Catholic thriller last night, and it wasn't terrible, as far as suspense puzzlers go. In fact, it was almost identical to that one with Nic Cage about the Freemasons that came out a couple of years ago, down to the ungodly hair cuts. (What was terrible was the annoying woman behind us who kept talking about the "cultural zeitgeist," prompting me to decide that some people are just too stupid to deserve an education.)

But if you've been following the hubbub surrounding the movie (and don't tell me you haven't, you hubbub-followers!), you know that the Grand Old Papacy is up in arms about the fact that millions of their impressionable followers are eating up the conspiracy theories of Mr. Da Vinci or whatever his name is, and now believe that Jesus was a Playa and the Church is evil and albinos have accents.

But why should they be surprised? Let's face it: excluding the rare few who actually have personal communications with God (i.e. schizophrenics and L.S.D. users), the only reason any Christians (or any other religionists, for that matter) believe what they believe is that it was told to them by some trustworthy authority figure--whether it be Dad, Father O'Shaughnessy, or Charleton Heston--so why should we expect them to stand fast in their faith when those great secular saints Tom Hanks and Gandalf tell them it's all hogwash? I think they know it's hogwash, but unfortunately they need some new hogwash (such as the stuff in the Da Vinci Code) to take its place. (I'm reminded of a family I knew who were devout Jehovah's Witnesses, but told me, "we used to be..." [hushed] "Mormons. But then we saw the error of our ways." By now, they're probably Zoroastrians or Neopagans or something.)

Anywho, that was the serious part. Now, to the entertainment: through a special arrangement with Sony Pictures and Papa Benedict's Opus Dei Café and Calzones, Inc., WULAD is proud to bring you this exclusive sneak peak at...

Further Secrets Revealed in The Da Vinci Code

  • Contrary to the Biblical record, new evidence suggests that Jesus's real name was Louie, and rather than a carpenter, he was actually a licensed HVAC contractor.

  • St. Forrest of Gumpathea wrote a suppressed gospel, a fragment of which reads, "Life is like a box of matzoh. It's flat and boring and tasteless, but throw some whitefish salad on there and it ain't so bad."

  • Mary Magdalene may not have been a prostitute, but Toby's brother totally did her in the hot tub on that Disneyland trip. And that was while she was going out with Jesus.

  • The Knights Templar started as a Journey cover band but branched off into Grail Questing one night after a particularly transcendent rendition of "Faithfully" at a club in Paramus.

  • The Star of David is made from combining the ancient symbols for a phallus and a womb. Also, if you look at the cover of "Dark Side of the Moon" in the right light, it functions as a map to Denny's for some righteous pancakes.

  • Remember when Opie was the "Keeper of the Flame" for his secret club, and Andy thought that he had burned down Jubal's barn, which was discovered to be an illegal still after Barney got drunk drinking out of one of Jubal's buckets? Well, Andy Griffith is a Grand Master of the Priori of Sion, so there you go.

  • Get ready--this one's going to floor you. Are you sitting down? OK. Here it is: Jesus... was a Jedi.

  • In 1956, a group of Vatican archaeologists digging in the Sinai desert unearthed an ancient scroll which, when translated using a secret decoder constructed by rumored Templar Knight Sir Isaac Newton, read: "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine."

  • Tom, get your damn old hands off my Amelie.