Thursday, June 26, 2003

The Problem with These Things
Sometimes I'll accidentally check this page to see if it's been updated, momentarily forgetting whose responsibility it is to update it. So far, there have been no phantom entries, but I can hope.

It's too freaking FFFFhot today to do anything meaningful, so here's this (apologies to ChocoBaby, who had to listen to this crap all through the movie):

Top Ten Problems I Have with The Goonies*
*all these years later, but having just seen it again

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere we go Number 10…

10. Why does the fat kid smash his food against the window when he sees the car chase? Nobody would ever do that.

9. Why do all the non-rich kids have to leave town just because the country club is expanding? Couldn't they have relocated, since presumably their parents still would have jobs?

8. Were there really pirates in Oregon? I don't remember ever hearing anything about that. I thought the were from, you know, the Caribbean.

7. Why are there 80s glass "lightning balls" in Mikey's attic, and why do they have wooden, ornamental bases? I thought that was supposed to be pirate stuff.

6. Why didn't Brand just steer away from the cliff on the little bicycle, instead of going straight off it? Duh.

5. Why does a bunch of kids banging on pipes cause a major public works meltdown resulting in disappearing faucets and exploding toilets?

4. What Andie plays on the organ bears no relation to what she's saying. Also, the printed music is a long, single line and she only plays chords. Also, A-sharp and B-flat are the same note.

3. Why did One-Eyed Willy build really cool waterslides into his hideout?

2. How does Mama Fratelli know to call the dead pirate "Mr. Willy"? Has she been following the scenes she's not in?

1. Why do the Fratellis make the Goonies walk the plank (and let them swim to safety) when only a few minutes earlier they were trying to kill them? And why, when Sloth comes to the rescue, do the rest of the Goonies jump off the plank anyway? And then why does Sloth throw the Fratellis off the plank? Now everybody's in the water.

Okay, I lied, there are more than ten…

0. Why do the Fratellis just walk up to the cops and turn themselves in at the end? Couldn't they either a) have walked in the other direction, or b) stayed on the freakin' pirate ship and made off with the loot?

-1. How do they know the jewels the Latina Stereotype Lady finds are worth enough to stop the construction of the golf course? Seems like that would be a lot of money. And who's to say Mikey's family doesn’t tell everybody else to take a flying leap and keep the dough for themselves? And wouldn't they be subject to a lengthy legal battle and probably be public property anyway because of their historic significance?

-2. How is it possible that Martha Plimpton and George Plimpton are related? That's almost as weird as Klaus and Nastassja Kinski. And doesn’t Klaus Kinski look like an evil mutant version of George Plimpton? What strange forces are at work here?

-3. Josh Brolin is Barbra Streisand's stepson and has probably seen her naked. This is more of an observation than a problem.

Note: C-Baby's answer to all of the above (except the naked Streisand one) is "IT'S A MOVIE… ABOUT KIDS… WHO FIND PIRATE BOOTY!"