Wrapped Up Like A Douche

A MESSAGE FROM YOUR REGIONAL ZOXON OVERLORD
GREETINGS EARTHLINGS. ON BEHALF OF THE SECTOR SUBCOMMAND, I EXTEND OUR WISHES THAT YOU AND YOUR SNIVELING UNDEREVOLVED HUMANOID FAMILIAL UNIT EXPERIENCE A PLEASURABLE DIURNAL CYCLE.

FIRSTLY, OLD BUSINESS—PLEASE REMEMBER TO REPORT IN ZOXON ALPHABETICAL ORDER ("§" COMES BEFORE "µ", PEOPLE!) FOR DAILY MEDICAL "ADJUSTMENT" AT YOUR ASSIGNED PROVINCIAL SUBSTATION. I EMPHASIZE AGAIN THAT WE EXPECT CHEERFUL COOPERATION WITH THESE NECESSARY AND MINIMALLY INVASIVE PROCEDURES. AND I MUST ADD THAT IT STIMULATES OUR HUMOR NODES WHEN YOU PROTEST YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN ANALLY PROBED BEFORE—YOUR SUB-PRIMATE MINDS ARE OBVIOUSLY UNABLE TO FATHOM THAT ZOXON CABLE CARRIES YOUR SHOWTIME NETWORK.

AS WE MENTIONED IN OUR EXECUTIVE DECREE OF 234.34.3.5545 FOLLOWING THE UNFORTUNATE UPRISING IN HOBOKEN OF THE EASTERN SECTOR, GATHERINGS OF 4 OR MORE HUMANS WILL NO LONGER BE PERMITTED, UNDER PENALTY OF SPECIES REASSIGNMENT. HOWEVER, IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO OUR ATTENTION BY ONE OF THE MANY DISGUISED ZOXON OPERATIVES LIVING AMONG YOU THAT A CUSTOMARY ANNUAL RITE OF CELEBRATION IS APPROACHING—IN A SHOW OF OUR UNDERAPPRECIATED GOODWILL TOWARD EVEN EARTHLINGS, THE LOWLIEST SERVANTS OF OUR EXALTED EMPEROR, HIS HOLINESS ALF VI (MAY ORGON BLESS HIS NAME) WE HAVE DECIDED TO FORGO ENFORCEMENT OF THIS RULE ON 2376.345.365 (THURSDAY, JULY 24 OF YOUR PRIMITIVE SOLAR CALENDAR) FOR THE COMMEMORATION OF THE "BIRTHDAY" OF HUMANOID 2187G-76T, KNOWN TO YOU AS "IAN ______."

PLEASE REPORT TO THE BAMBOO HUT (479 BROADWAY AT KEARNY OF THE SAN FRANCISCO REGIONAL FIEFDOM) AT APPROXIMATELY 8 PM ON THE AFOREMENTIONED DATE TO COMMENCE APPROPRIATE FESTIVITIES. [FOR THOSE HUMANS WISHING TO BEGIN EARLIER, THE PRE-FESTIVITIES WILL TAKE PLACE AT SPECS, 12 SAROYAN PLACE (COLUMBUS AT BROADWAY), FROM THE COMPLETION OF YOUR DAILY WORK CAMP SCHEDULE UNTIL THE OPENING OF THE BAMBOO HUT.] ALLOW 5 OF YOUR MINUTES FOR BODY CAVITY SEARCH.

WE ARE TOLD THAT LOCAL CUSTOMS DICTATE THE INTAKE OF FERMENTED LIQUIDS LEADING TO HUMOROUS DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION, BATTLES FOR CLAN LEADERSHIP AND MATING RITUALS. THOSE DIRT-DWELLING HOMINIDS WHOSE APE-LIKE ANTICS STIMULATE AN EXCEPTIONAL NUMBER OF OUR NODES MAY BE SELECTED TO APPEAR IN THE NEW HOLODISC "EARTHLINGS GONE WILD! VOL. ±¥«.", NARRATED BY ZOXON MINISTER OF ENTERTAINMENT JOHN-XARXQON TRAVOLTA.

FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT YOUR LOCAL HUMAN PACIFICATION COUNCIL AT THIS PRIMITIVE ELECTRONIC MAIL ADDRESS.

THAT IS ALL. LONG LIVE THE EMPEROR, OUR BENEVOLENT PROTECTOR! OBEDIENCE IS STRENGTH!