Wrapped Up Like A Douche

The Night the Lights Went Out in Flushing
In an unprecedented act of baseball desperation, the San Francisco Giants sabotaged the entire Northeastern power grid yesterday to avoid being swept by the Mets. Sources tell WULAD that shortstop Rich Aurilia, pitcher Jason Schmidt, and first baseman (and make-out king) J.T. Snow were seen leaving a power plant at Niagara Falls around 4 p.m., while suspicious men in black and orange were reported in nuclear power plants across the region, often carrying wire cutters. Unnoticed by authorities was the fact that Felipe Alou’s ventilator mysteriously continued to function throughout the outage. Now, I’m going to leave Barry Bonds out of this, since he may actually have been with his ailing father, but the rest of the roster has some questions to answer. If the proof is in fact found, I believe the strongest of penalties should be imposed—the Giants should cede at least a first-round draft pick to the Mets for the inconvenience, and possibly some high-level prospects as well. The WULAD newsroom will keep you apprised of any developments in this breaking story.