Friday, August 15, 2003

So Goddamn Fair and Balanced I Nearly Had a Spontaneous Orgasm
I’ve received a lot of mail in the past few minutes regarding my assertion that the S.F. Giants were responsible for the massive power outages in the East, and the most consistent complaint is that my coverage is not Fair and Balanced.

Well, I ask you, Mr. and/or Mrs. Gentle Reader, in this day and age, who is to say what “Fair and Balanced” really means? If by “fair” you mean “having or exhibiting a disposition that is free of favoritism or bias,” then you may have a point; by this definition it may not have been fair when I reported that Rupert Murdoch (guardian of the NewsCorp empire) was a chest-bursting extraterrestrial eater of man-flesh, or that columnist Steve Dunleavy was a member of NAMBLA, or that TV personality Bill O’Reilly enjoyed flossing his teeth with his own pubic hair after gorging himself on a large plate of delicious fried baby—but if by “fair” you mean “of pleasing appearance, especially because of a pure or fresh quality; comely” or “lawful to hunt or attack,” then I believe my comments are as fair as the pale, creamy flesh of managing editor Brit Hume’s buttocks, which I have seen firsthand on many a dreamy night.

And if by “balanced” you mean “taking account of all sides on their merits without prejudice or favoritism,” then perhaps it was not balanced for me to claim that Al Franken was the greatest journalist, author, and human being living on the planet today, and that his new book was directly dictated to him by God Almighty, and is the infallible and indisputable Word and Law of the Lord Most High—but if you mean “containing different elements in suitable quantities or suitably arranged to produce a satisfying and effective whole,” then I say to you every word I write is as balanced as the perfect spheres of conservative author Ann Coulter’s flawless breasts, which I have also seen on many glorious evenings, although Brit Hume has not.

In closing, I must fairly say in a balanced manner that you will find no blog that is more fair, more balanced, or more Fair and Balanced® in all of Creation than this one: your very own, friendly neighborhood, Wrapped Up Like A Fair, Balanced, Douche.