Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Hail to the WULAD
President Bush was on TV last night being interviewed by my former lover and nude racquetball partner Brit Hume (of the relentlessly muckraking FoxNews), whose Fair and Balanced queries nevertheless made the Main Man revert to his “Are you going to make me pretend I give an armadillo’s caboose about what those unbelieving cityfolk have to say about my Divinely Inspired rule?” smirk, which shows less teeth than Cheney’s but has that downward-turned-corners-of-the-mouth thing that communicates his disdain pretty well. All in all, it seemed like a good interview, but I was kind of surprised by a few of his announcements:

  • that he was un-retiring Gen. Wesley Clark and appointing him Chief Smiles Officer for the Army’s new door-to-door Baptist Erotica Book Club fundraiser in either Afghanistan or Iraqistan, he forgets which;

  • that he was setting up a new high-security detention facility in Cuba specifically for librarians; and

  • that he and Atty. General Ashcroft were working on a revised, “Opt-In” version of the constitution, although he assured the citizenry that the proper Applications for Civil Liberties (CL-40 if single, CL-40z if married, CL-X if gay and married, CL-Ø if Muslim, CL-$ if campaign donor, CL-69 if Bill Clinton) would be available at your local Wal-Mart on every third Wednesday in months not containing the letters A, E, I, O, or U (also Y if Homeland Defense Alert Level is “Yellow” or higher).
Also I found it strange that he inadvertently referred to Arnold Schwarzenegger as “Benevolent Feudal Lord of the Yee-haw Surfin' Cowboy Fiefdom of Californ-eye-ay,” and then corrected himself by calling Schwarzenegger “He Who Shall be Seated at the Right Hand of the Mighty Sovereign King. Begone!”