Wrapped Up Like A Douche

The Medium is the Mess
I’ve been MIA since coming back from the Other Side, but here’s some nourishment for the starving minds of the WULAD faithful. Coming soon: I take on the NYC criminal court system—and win!

The results are in, and jazz musicians are crazy. Or perhaps we are sane, and the rest of the world mad!? No? Never mind. I once asked saxophonist Ernie Watts why he thought so many great jazz musicians had gotten mixed up with drugs, etc. over the years—his answer: “Maybe because you spend your whole life learning how to play, and nobody gives a shit.” I can only testify to 15 years’ worth of truth to that so far.

Chocobaby and Chelle-belle have recently expressed dissatisfaction with the way they’ve been portrayed on this site; C-baby says, “You make me sound like a bitch,” while Belle thinks “I come across as a vacuous party-girl.” In the interest of fairness, WULAD will take a closer look at these issues and see if we can’t find some mutually agreeable resolution. Let’s take the impressions one at a time.

• Belle is a vacuous party girl. This impression might come from quotes like “We rock!” or “I’d have sex with me,” or “Baby’s open for business!” Belle, I must point out that you did say those things, but I do admit I’ve left out more weighty quotes of yours such as “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” “U.S. construction spending advanced for a second month in July as home building increased on the heels of a drop in mortgage rates the previous month,” or “Despite increased corporate control of the media, there is very little outright censorship of the news in this country. There is, however, a kind of selective historical memory that makes it difficult to even recall events which go beyond what the noted M.I.T. linguist Noam Chomsky has referred to as the ‘boundaries of thinkable thought.’” I’ll try to paint a more complete picture in the future.

• Chocobaby is a bitch. On any given day, one might find a blog entry detailing an interchange such as this one:

[C-baby laughs.]
Me: What?
Her: I’m just thinking of all the stupid things you’ve said in the past 20 minutes.

Or,

Me: Sorry, I got sidetracked, I’ll stop rambling on about uninteresting crap.
Her: Are you suggesting that what you were saying before was interesting?

Her main beef was that “you never put in there that I think it’s cute when you say stupid things.” Which is true, since I guess I thought it was funnier without the Awwww factor. I’ll concede the point and try and be more, uh, Fair and Balanced from now on, hopefully without alienating my cynical hater-of-all-things-cute fan base. (For those who still like their Chocobabies served cold, I’ll add her fine quote from the below-mentioned party: “Shut up, you stupid Canadian!” But she meant it in a cute way, I think.)

Speaking of C-baby, she was kind enough to call my attention to the fact that G-Monsta’s logo has been appearing all over lately.

You Don’t Know the Meaning Of ‘Tough’
So the tribes gathered last Sunday for the illustrious Ker-Bear’s birthday extravaganza, held this year at Kilowatt, the Mission district’s home of unnecessarily nasty bar staff and cash-gobbling, frequently overridden jukebox. Yours truly apparently got hisself pretty well Wrapped Up Like a Drunk, and, among other ill-advised escapades, challenged the mighty Shan-Bear to an arm-wrestling match. Well, maybe “match” isn’t the right word—“rout,” “sacrifice,” or “public humiliation” might be more apt. After humoring me for a few short seconds, she lowered my arm to the table like a sleeping baby, while yawning and doing math problems with her other hand. As I limped off to nurse my wounded pride, C-baby commented, “You are so tougher than he is.” Shan-Bear paused for a minute and said, “Yeah, but he’s tough in other things, like the saxophone.”

Return of the Native
Back on the left coast. Tantalizing tales of neurotic nostalgia in the New York netherworld will be filtering in over the next few weeks as breaks in the torrent of fan-hitting-shit allow. Also wacky wonders such as C-Baby’s Tour de Heartland slideshow featuring the Hamburger Helper hand. For now, tids and bits…

MTV has been stealing ideas from my dreams again.

So Ah-nold smoked hash and participated in a gang-bang. Which gubernatorial hopeful among us hasn’t? Cast the first stone.

Chocobaby, font of wisdom:

• “You’re like halfway through your life, I think you can start to take some risks now.”
• “I love it when you talk about nerds as if you aren’t one.”