Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Skeletons in the Closet
Gubernatorial hopeful Ah-nold told Oprah yesterday that an interview from the 70s in which he described drug use and group sex was part of an attempt to promote interest in weightlifting by telling outrageous stories that glamorized the sport. WULAD’s crack research team has discovered that this was in fact an ongoing strategy for Schwarzenegger, and presents the following interview excerpts as examples...

Playboy Magazine, 6/24/84, promoting The Terminator: “Well, you know James Cameron and I spent a lot of time driving around L.A. on a motorcycle killing police, you know, to try to get used to the role… also we jumped on Linda Hamilton, but you know, Cameron can’t do it in front of other guys.”

Variety, 5/15/88, promoting Twins: “Well, I spent a lot of time having sex with twins to prepare for the role, and one time me and the twins jumped on Danny DeVito and took him upstairs, but he was still mad about what Judd Hirsch did to him on the set of Taxi.”

Ladies' Home Journal, 7/18/90, promoting Kindergarten Cop: “Well, you know I spent a lot of time asking people 'who is your daddy, and what does he do?', to get used to the role... also I took a bunch of kids and threw them in jail and interrogated them for hours without food and water, but this was before I really knew much about the script other than the title. And I’ll tell you a secret—this is not a tumor, either.” [pointing and winking.]

Sacramento Bee, 8/24/03, campaigning for Governor: “Well, in the old days I spent a lot of time at hash parties, and one time me and Danny DeVito jumped on Arianna Huffington, but you know Cruz Bustamante can’t do it in front of other guys. Also I have hired a hit man to kill Gray Davis, who I could crush like a twig between my rippling thighs, but I am too busy with the group sex, you know. Join Arnold!”

Captain Marble
He's... looking... at me!

Raising the Clark Bar
Sources say that Wesley Clark has decided to throw his hat into the presidential ring. The great thing is that the Republicans will still try to find a way to paint him as weak on defense (even though he was a decorated general), Ann Coulter will still call him a traitor, it’ll be fun. In case you missed it the first time, here’s my list of potential campaign slogans for my new favorite army guy:

• "I took it to Slobodan Milosevic—Now I'm going to take it to the economy!"
• "If I can command a bunch of Bulgarian fighter pilots, just think what I can do with Congress!"
• "Let's pretend the Kosovo Muslims are the Democrats, and the Yugoslav army is the Republicans, and the Croats are the swing voters, and the Montenegro militia is, um..."
• "The Serbs don't hate me for nothin'!"
• "Blowing shit up for America since 1966!"