Wrapped Up Like A Douche

It’s Friday, which means that instead of being clever, I present your…

WULAD Web Wround-Up
Polar bears eating pumpkins. Pumpkins, damn you!

Why are cats so cuddly? Because they’re a bunch of inbred mutants.

Now this is what I could really use. Taking notes, Secret Santa?

C-baby alerted me to the most interesting criminal since the Drunk Jail Bride. (Can we get these two together? I want to be there to see the sparks fly: they fight, they scream, they crash tricycles—they fall in love.) Her comment: “Maybe he was upset that he got kicked out of clown college.” Way to show ‘em what they’ll be missing!

And finally, a story that makes me not feel so bad about living on Bush Street.

News You Can Abuse
Those of you Bay-Areaers who read regularly, or occasionally listen to my drunken ravings as you pass by the gutter I sleep in on Polk Street, know that I hate the local morning news shows—all of them. And why, you might ask? Is it the inane banter and segues of the talking heads? (“And that was the 84th murder committed in Oakland this year. Well, the Raiders are looking to murder the competition this weekend…”) Is it that smarmy “personality” guy on Channel 2 who’s supposedly related to Steve Perry but has no other redeeming qualities? Is it that, after old venerable anchor guy Ross McGowan compared happy-go-lucky traffic guy Sal Castaneda to Goofy, Sal just did a lame Goofy impersonation, rather than saying, “Fuck you, Ross!” Is it the fork-scraping-across-a-chalkboard of a human being that is Darya Folsom? My friends, it is all of these things. However, this morning I witnessed channel 4’s frowzy hat-fancying movie reviewer Jan Wahl giving the actual Quentin Tarantino® the journalistic equivalent of a Dirty Sanchez, and I must say I loved it—especially when she asked him why Kill Bill had to be so groin-grindingly, gore-drippingly, grey-matter-oozingly violent, and he shouted, “because it’s fun!” When asked why he felt 12-year olds should see it, he replied, “I watched violent movies when I was a kid,” to which she responded, “And we all know how well you turned out.” Score one for the frumpy crowd.