Tids, Bits
My nominee for best review of the year to date: SF Weekly takes on Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat:
...the producers may as well have skipped the hassle of securing licensing rights and simply called this mess Mike Myers: Asshole in Fur. ... Between getting kicked in his supposedly snipped cat-balls (an unfunny incident that admittedly prompts surprising use of the Commodores' "I'm Easy") and beating the hell out of the narcoleptic babysitter, you can see him visibly struggling to ride out the shitstorm. And you can see him failing.PHCSF Update
In the midst of a dream about a completely platonic encounter with Jessica Alba, I was awakened this morning by the ringing telephone; the clock read 3:26 a.m. It was Paris Hilton, and after rambling on for fifteen minutes about the virtues of Stoli Raspberry and Zoloft, she told me that she's absolutely in love with the idea that amidst all the money-grubbing surrounding her burgeoning adult film career, at least someone is trying to turn all that ravenous greed and horniness into something positive. In fact, she was so moved that she began shoving her cell phone into her crotch in happiness, and I cursed myself for not splurging on the videophone that the WULAD technical staff recommended. Regardless, we're still at six pledges, people. Just think: every porn-obsessed click could either be wasted, or it could make a difference in the world. As our conversation came to a close, Paris asked—nay, insisted—that my readers see beyond the lo-fi fornication and pornarazzi and think about the things in life that really matter. And then she threw up.
Chock Full O' Chocobaby, vol. xcdvi
Me: "I'm getting my haircut today. I was thinking of getting a buzz-cut."
Her: "I'll see you when it grows back."
À la recherche du WULAD perdu, vol. whatever
Finally, we present yet another blast from the distant past, carbon dated to approximately 1986 (or year 12 of the WULAD era). If these preteen pearls are becoming tiresome, feel free to call our Customer Feedback line at 1-800-INSERT-DERISIVE-JOKE.
THE STORY OF IBIK:
OR, THE IBIK STORY.
by ian ______, esq.
utter mongolia, 1874.
Deep in Bungoland, lives Ibik. Ibik has devoted his entire life to killing the evil thing, Stupid Man. He has never felt so strongly about killing someone as much as now this very moment right this very second. Boy, Stupid Man is stupid...
Ibik went shopping. There he met his rival from the heart of Gnma, Mr. Big Fat Man, who is not fat at all. He is stupid, too but not as stupid as Stupid Man. "Num," says Ibik. "Num," says Big Fat Man. "Num num," says Ibik. "Num num," says Big Fat Man. "Num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num num," says Ibik. "Num num!" says Big Fat Man defiantly and walks away.
In our language, Ibik said, "You keep away from Gnma! She hates you! She likes me! She hates your guts! She wishes that you would go turn into three fat British superheroes who work in a labor office! She wishes that you would go and slip on a banana peel and break your @$%¢*# neck! She wishes that you would step on a rat and he would bite off your &#¢%$*! She wi—" and then Big Fat Man would interrupt and say, "So what, you stupid ¢%&@*#@*! I think she likes me better!" and he walks away.
____________ _________ ____ ___________ ____________________ ___ _____________ ________________ ___________ ________ _______ ___________ _ ________ __ __________________ _ ________ ++ ++ ++ +++++ +++ + ++ ++++ ++ ++ ++ ++ ++++ + + +++ +++ ++ ++++++___ ________ __________ ____________ _______________ _______ ______________ ___________ _____________ ___________ ____ ___________ ________ ___________ ______ _________________ ___________ _________ __________.
Fill in the blanks
THE END
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