Wrapped Up Like A Douche

Because It’s Easier than Coming Up with New Stuff, vol. mxciii
On the advice of WWKAD?, and because everyone’s doing it, I took some personality tests over at similarminds.com, and the results didn’t bode well for my chances of success in life:

Extroversion results were moderately low which suggests you are quiet, unassertive, and aloof.

Friendliness results were moderately low which suggests you tend to be rude, uncooperative, and irritable.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you tend to be unreliable, lazy, careless, and unmotivated.

Emotional Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous.

Intellectualness results were moderately high which suggests you are creative, original, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

Overall, you scored highest on Intellectualness and lowest on Orderliness.

Well, what do you think, ladies? Is this someone you’d like to get down with, or what? Aloof, unassertive, rude, uncooperative, irritable, worrying, insecure, emotional, nervous—forget about the National Guard, these are the qualities employers look for.

However, since I believe these tests to be unfairly biased in favor of people who are happy, friendly, rich, beautiful, well-adjusted, fortunate, and perfectly perfect in every perfect way they can perfectly be, I’ve asked the WULAD Psychology Psquad to develop our very own...

Wrapped Up Like A Personality Test™
The Psquad assures me that this is the only test our loyal readers will ever need, and if it’s not, they will sit in the corner and weep silently until you assure them that it is. Since we eschew such trappings of modernism as automated forms in favor of the old-school keepin’-it-real writing-down-answers-yourself way, you’ll need a pencil and/or sterilized cutting tool.

Directions: Answer each question on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 = strongly agree, 2 = moderately agree, 3 = no opinion or wasn’t paying attention, 4 = disagree mildly but not in a way that gives me indigestion or bad breath, and finally 5 = disagree really freakin’ strongly, so goddamn strongly that you’re about to feel a slight pressure, which is me puttin’ my foot up yo’ ugly ass, and not in a fun or kinky Paris Hilton kind of way. Ready? Let’s self-examine!

1. When I am alone, I often feel I am being watched by the Ghost of Executive Assistants’ Days Past.
   
   
2. At parties, I often perform attention-getting stunts such as balancing a Toyota on my larynx.
   
   
3. I am the bestest person ever to exist, ever. No, wait, make that the worstest.
   
   
4. My personal areas are at least as neat and orderly as those of author Tony Hillerman.
   
   
5. I live for the thrill of taking risks, such as sitting upright or using the toilet without supervision.
   
   
6. The approval of my peers is more important to me than chemical weapons treaties.
   
   
7. I am secretly in love with Mariusz Czerkawski of the New York Islanders, but if anybody tells him, I’ll kill them with a spatula.
   
   
8. What a great word, “spatula.” Spatula, spatula. Spatula? Spatula!
   
   
9. I often seek the spotlight by implying that my website features pornographic videos of celebrities when in fact it does not.
   
   
10. My middle name is “Leon.”
    
    
11. Since my baby left me, I often get so lonely, I get so lonely I could die.
    
    
12. I am dating someone under 5’ 1”.
    
    
13. I have occasionally invaded third-world countries under false pretenses so that people will think I’m smart.
    
    
14. I often insist on “wearing the pants” in relationships, while at work, I often insist on not wearing pants.
    
    
15. This sword that I am girt withal doth me great sorrow and cumbrance, for I may not be delivered of this sword but by a knight, but he must be a passing good man of his hands and of his deeds, and without villainy or treachery, and without treason.
    
    
16. I am the most worthless person on the planet. Wait, that’s you.

OK—once you’ve added up your score, consult the following table to learn your irrevocable personality assessment, which will follow you to your grave. Have fun!

15–25: You are fairly confident but do not hesitate to shut your yap and grovel when you feel it may earn you brownie points with your true love, Yasmine Bleeth. However, you are very uncomfortable writing, pronouncing, or even thinking of the name “Bleeth.” You would be well suited for a job such as janitor or President of the Universe.

26–40: You are well-known author Paul Theroux. You should be working on your next book instead of wasting time scouring the internet for that video—you know the one I’m talking about, Paul.

41–53: You are such a sad sack of shit I can’t even bear to look at you or tell you what your score means. It means you suck is what it means.

54–55: You are a relatively well-meaning, pleasant person; you interact well with others and show great compassion. You are charitable, kind to strangers and children, attractive to the opposite sex, intelligent, and thoughtful. You also possess the Western hemisphere’s largest collection of illegally downloaded Lil’ Kim mp3s, and your address and phone number have been forwarded to the RIAA.

56–80: You are a heavenly being sent to the mortal realm to watch over and guide the wayward flock of humanity with your wisdom and grace. Also you lookin’ reeeeeal good in them boots, sugar. How’s about a little sum’in sum’in?