Wrapped Up Like A Douche

An Army of Two
Well, it wasn’t easy—due to the overwhelming response—but WULAD’s esteemed panel of judges has selected the two winners for our prestigious Wrapped Up Like a German Cannibal Joke contest. In second (also last) place, we have a delicate yet powerful evocation in verse of the greater relevance that a solitary German cannibal can have to the brotherhood of man and the human condition. From Ryan:

Internet to the rescue
Lonely only child
He ain't lunch, he’s my brother

…with an auspicious start like this, we can no doubt expect great things in the future from the pen of this Bard of the Bay. Also he has an amazing collection of porn.

But now, it's the moment you’ve all, or at least both, been waiting for, when we reveal the champion of the first biennial WULAD Jerman Joke Jamboree: none other than Richard, who demonstrated his poetic prowess and mastery of the form with this mighty trilogy of epic limericks:

There once was a cannibal named Armin
whom news reports spoke of as charming
He sat down with Mr. B
and cut off his pee-pee
Would you say that his smile was dis-arm-ing?

Armin was on trial for killing
his actions were gruesome and chilling
but cannabalism aside
it couldn't be denied
in this case the victim seemed willing

So the Cannibal's on trial—whatever;
the thing that'll impress me forever
is two people meeting
for long-term or just eating
Ain't it great how the internet brings folks together?

Bravo, Herr Kontestmeister. For the rest of my handful of readers, who are content to sit on life’s sidelines and watch clashing titans like Ryan and Richard tackle the real challenges, I will make no effort to evoke remorse; I can only say that if you saw the dazzling prizes that are currently en route to the two wordsmiths above, you’d crap yourselves with jealousy. And speaking of amazing lists of two, it’s time for…

The Two Most Creative Lines That Strange Men Tried to Use on C-Baby This Weekend, vol. xmcvi
Not content to use old chestnuts such as "Hey, Little Mama," our two award-winners broke new ground by offering the following gems while C-Baby was en route to a show by her Secret Boyfriend:

Second Prize (a week in San Tropez with Leon Redbone and the cast of the hit TV show “A Very Busey Christmas”) goes to the guy who said: “I know this sounds crazy, but I lost my car. Do you want to help me find it?” Strangely, she declined, but that should be no reflection on the quality of the invitation.

And the coveted Grand Prize (a tuxedo made entirely out of scraps of “intimate” laundry that I stole from Paris Hilton’s room at the Four Seasons while she was handing out campaign leaflets for Matt Gonzalez) goes to the brilliant man who asked, “Excuse me, would you like a small woman’s coat?” (This contestant later fell back on the hackneyed "Are you a dancer?" but his opener is nonetheless staggering.)

That’s all the contests for today. Feeling left out because you didn’t win anything? You can fill that emptiness in your soul by pledging to the PHCSF—where everybody wins, and the holiday cheer and Valium egg nog is always flowing.