Tuesday, December 09, 2003

I’m Your Venus
Well, there’s a lot of ground to cover today—aside from the fact that we San Freakin’-Franners are headed to the polls to choose our next mayor, or alcalde, as they say in "Zorro", today is also the penultimate day of the Paris Hilton Crotch Drive; and perhaps most importantly, there are dwarf riots in Africa. Dwarf riots! Let’s begin.

I’m Your Mayor
As the Day of Mayoral Reckoning has approached, the WULAD Endorsement Committee has spent quite a while listening to interviews, reading position papers, etc. We’ve compiled the following summation of what we’ve learned, so that you, the busy voter, don’t have to waste your valuable skeeball time sifting through all that razzmatazz yourself:

  • Gavin Newsom is not a Nazi. It turns out he’s not even a Republican.

  • Matt Gonzalez is filthy stinkin’ richer than Newsom, and no, you can’t see his tax return.

  • Newsom doesn’t believe candlelight vigils can defeat homelessness.

  • Gonzalez once held a candlelight vigil for his missing socks.

  • Newsom talks like he’s tired of explaining it to you idiots, again.

  • Gonzalez attended the Jonathan Richman show last Friday in his trademark "Only Suit," though he did not call C-Baby "Little Mama."

  • Newsom has a 30-foot anaconda named "Pepe" in his garage that he plans to use to fight aggressive panhandling.

  • Gonzalez was raised in a remote alpine cabin by Jaye P. Morgan of The Gong Show.

  • Newsom was born with eight fingers; his current thumbs were transplanted from a serial killer after his botched electrocution.

  • Gonzalez is the only man ever to escape from Alcatraz; at the time, however, he was known as “Clint Eastwood.”

  • Although Newsom appears middle-aged, he is actually 87 years old, the last of a line of long-lived Northern kings and heir to the throne of Gondor.

  • Last week, Gonzalez dressed up as Billy Bob Thorton dressed up as Santa Claus and touched me in an inappropriate way while I sat on his lap.

  • Newsom once told a reporter to “go suck my mammy’s left buttcrack.”

  • Gonzalez is not related to “Speedy” Gonzalez. However, outfielder Juan Gonzalez of the Texas Rangers is his great-grandmother.
Now you have the facts, so get out there and vote, my lovelies!

At Your Deblogger
Tomorrow is the last day to pledge for the sounds-like-a-joke-but-it’s-actually-for-real PHCSF. The coffers are looking pretty bare, so dig deep and pledge a cent or two per Crotch-Searching hit toward Afghanistan relief efforts. Otherwise this will be just one more clever idea that ends in crushing disappointment and yet another depression-induced Cheetos binge.

Now, some of you may be thinking, "yes, yes, elections and Paris Hilton and self-aggrandizement is all well and good—but don't you have anything to say about what we really care about—the Mets' acquistion of Japanese shortstop phenom Kazuo Matsui?" And you are right to ask, my friends. But as years of Met-induced-pain have resulted in permanently low expectations, I leave the prognosticating to the experts listed to the right of your screen and silently pierce my Roberto Alomar voodoo doll with pin after heartbroken pin.

Finally, kudos to the blogtacular WWKAD? for mentioning this relative piss-ant of a blog today. From tiny acorns grow mighty oaks, which are then cut down to make DuraFlame logs and biodegradable kitty litter.