Thursday, December 18, 2003

The brains of the WULAD Cleverness-Wasting Council are still sore from crafting the Neal Pollack acrostic, so while their synapses refresh themselves, we humbly pour you a big cup of…

WULAD Web Wround-up
First on the menu: This is the sort of thing that made me an atheist.

Platypuses hunt with electro-sensors… and they will never stop hunting you.

Will Carroll of Baseball Prospectus (who makes occasional use of the nickname I suggested for sports-medicine-enthusiasts, "MedHeads") has got great overheard quotes from baseball's winter meetings.

I neglected to mention the other day how much it bothered me that the operation which resulted in Saddam Hussein’s capture was named after a Patrick Swayze movie. Luckily, Chatterbox is all over that shiznit.

Dances With Stereotypes
The Times had a piece yesterday about the ongoing battle of Little Big Mascot, which introduced me to my new favorite white Midwestern idiot, loudly proclaiming his unawareness of said idiocy:

John Gadaut, a lawyer in Champaign, said he had spent more than $5,000 on keep-the-[Illinois mascot] chief billboards and buttons. "I'm a Native American," said Gadaut, who is white. "I was born and bred in Illinois. The chief means something to me, too. People keep saying we have a mascot. No, we have a symbol. … It's my whole heritage in front of me. Hey, these people can be my heritage even though this guy's skin is not my color." He dismissed … opponents of the chief as "leftist social engineers."
(See here for some examples of rightist social engineers.) I suppose he’s correct in a sense; mocking and denigrating minorities while appropriating romanticized caricatures of their culture is definitely a part of his heritage. However, the article failed to mention far and away the most heinous—yet most widely accepted—example of Native American minstrelsy in the sports world: Chief Wahoo of the Cleveland Indians. Although the esteemed Chief has been ostensibly replaced in his “official” capacity as mascot—by a ridiculous Youppi-esque monster called “Slider”—his toothy, blood-red mug adorns the team’s caps, jerseys, and nearly every piece of fan merchandise. In addition to its general offensiveness, I also hate that shit-eating grin because it makes me dislike the Indians (the team, not the ethnic group)—one of the younger, scrappier, and more exciting teams in baseball—intensely.

But I digress. For my final no-new-effort-required item, we continue the series begun Monday:

Wrapped Up Like An Internet Search, part II: The Douche
The following are 100% genuine searches that have led (presumably disappointed) searchers to this tiny shack by the internet tracks:
  • Origin of douche
  • Why we douche
  • Douche for sexual pleasure
  • Do they say douche?
  • Forced douche
  • Picture of douche bag
  • Douche pictures
  • Douche container
  • Crack up like a douche
  • Wrapped up like a douche meaning
  • Wrapped up like a douche bag
  • Douche bug
  • Douche bagel
  • Douche the Marlins
  • Great douche
  • Erotic douche
  • Android 18 douche
  • Monolith douche
  • Chicken douche
  • Douche for dogs
  • Dancing douche
  • Douche Bag Dave
  • Dave is a douche
  • Steve is a douche
  • Brad is a douche
  • Neil is a douche
  • Steve Bartman douche
  • Rupert Murdoch douche
  • Ann Coulter is a douche
  • John Kerry is a Douche
  • George Bush is a douche
  • Have A Douche Break
Well, if this has tought us anything, it's that everyone—whether you're Steve Bartman, George Bush, Android 18, or even Douche Bag Dave—could use a Douche Break now and then. Don't forget to write!