Friday, December 12, 2003

WULAD Web Wround-Up
This is where I will identify things that you should read and enjoy and you can then read and enjoy them, or read them and not enjoy them, or not read them and not enjoy them, as the case may be. But if you don’t read them, you can’t enjoy them. And if you’re not going to enjoy them, at least make it a non-enjoyment that comes from reading them, rather than a non-enjoyment that comes from non-reading, as that leaves open the possibility that you may not have non-enjoyed them had you not non-read them. You may even have enjoyed them. So read them.

Finally, a good love poem.

For the last-minute Xmas shopper: the gifts that keep on giving.

And now, an event you have no doubt all been waiting for with increasing impatience, it's...

Wrapped Up Like a Pledge Drive
That's right, the Paris Hilton Crotch Shot Foundation’s drive is officially over, and although we may see an increase in Crotch Hunters as Ms. Hilton’s star continues to rise, I did say that December 10th would be the end. Here’s just a sampling of the variations which led brave seekers to our humble web-ode:

paris hilton crotch
paris Hilton crotch shot
paris hilton money shot
conjunction paris Hilton
Neal Pollack Hilton
"the lovely and talented" "Paris hilton"
the wit and wisdom of paris hilton
And so on and so forth. (I knew that Pollack was somehow in on this.) For the final accounting, I turn the festivities over to someone who knows more about the topic of Paris Hilton’s crotch than anyone alive—you know her, you love her, it’s the Hostess with the Mostest, the Heiress with the Barest, the Debutante with the… anyway, it’s the lovely, talented, witty, wise, and etc. Miss Paris Hilton!

"Thanks, WULAD. Of all the people I’ve met in life, you’re the most recent. [Ba-dump-bump!] No, really, it’s great to be here, but remember I just had my arm up a cow’s ass! No, I gotta tell you, I haven’t met anybody who loves people as much as WULAD does—not since that German Cannibal Guy! [Crash!] But speaking of cannibalism, I want to talk to you about something that’s really been devouring my attention lately… [Groans] That is, it’s been eating away at me… I mean to say it’s like a big barbecued penis in my mind …

"But seriously, folks, the plight of the people of Afghanistan is no laughing matter, and I’m happy that my crotch has played a small part in making things a little better for them… ‘cause it sure hasn’t done me any favors lately! [Ba-dump!] No really, people, my crotch has gotten so popular it just hired its own agent! [Crash!] And it’s getting top billing in my next TV show—they even decided to call it The Simple Life of Paris Hilton’s Crotch! [WULAD whispers in Paris’s ear.] Ah, we’re running long, eh? You’re just afraid these people will get used to real comedy! [Laughter.]

"Anywho, WULAD’s crack statistical team has informed me that the final tally of Paris Porn-Seeking hits was—drum roll please...

"462! That’s right, folks, 462 of you came looking for pictures of me and/or my crotch, and every one of you helped raise money for this worthy cause. My crotch goes out to you! [Curtain raises and 462 blind, hairy-palmed middle-aged men in white tuxedos bow simultaneously.] And thanks to our generous pledgers—Belle, Shan-bear, OATO, NBG, C-Baby and the CEO of WULAD Enterprises himself—the PHCSF has successfully raised a grand total of $35.03 for the Afghanistan Relief Organization!

"Now, before I go, I just want to thank Leon, Rickie, Tom, Ashley, Luis, Brittany, Chelsea, Greg, Nora, Shelby, Mahmoud, Racquel, Lawrence, Shaniqua, Reginald, Bret, Rod, Nancy, Igor, Dmitri, Ngoyo, Ping, Theophilus, Buck, Trot, Piotr… [Music swells.] Wait! I’m not done! [Music stops.] Also Mom, Dad, my agent, my crotch’s agent, Jesus, Shannen Doherty, Pedro Martinez, Don Zimmer, President Bush, Gavin Newsom, Ronald Reagan Jr., the folks at Red Bull, the folks at Stolichnaya, Rush Limbaugh’s maid, Darya Folsom, the doctor that cured my phobia of Walloons, Kazuo Matsui…" [Music swells and security escorts Paris from the stage as she begins to throw up into the audience.]