Monday, December 15, 2003

Nefarious Despot Celebrates Capture of Nefarious Despot
Well, you’ve no doubt already heard that Saddam Hussein—who you may recognize from the South Park movie—was found at the Command Center Dirt Hole from which he was leading Iraq’s insurgency with an iron fist, so his capture will of course result in the cessation of hostilities. Within a few hours of President Action Figure’s PR victory, the local news teaser was already asking, “Does the capture of Saddam Hussein now guarantee President Bush’s reelection?” (Do I detect a Fair and Balanced hand in crafting this question?) And double agent Joe Lieberman, still smarting from the symbolic foot Al Gore recently inserted in his hoo-hah, used the opportunity to resume his pummeling of candidates critical of the President—although this approach may hurt him when he gets around to asking voters to support the President by voting for Joe Lieberman. Shortly after hearing the news, I spoke to WULAD Wregular Shan-bear.

Me: So, what do you do now if you’re the President’s handlers?
Shan-bear: Masturbate.
Me: No, after that.
I went on to say that I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Prez’s people start negotiating with Saddam, to talk him into copping to involvement in the September 11 plot in exchange for not being executed. (That is, after they finish touching up the the "MISSION REALLY ACCOMPLISHED THIS TIME" banner for the deck of the U.S.S. Photo-Op.) I felt like quite the cynic for immediately bringing this up—even people as colossally dissatisfied with the direction of the country as I am can agree that Saddam is an evil murdering butthole and that Iraq will be better off without him running around—but soon saw that I wasn’t the only one who thought of this one. People like us should really be working for the Action Figure administration, since we can clearly think like the Bad Guys when properly motivated (wink wink, my own island kingdom, nudge nudge).

"But what kind of sanctimonious political claptrap is this," you might ask, "We come to WULAD to be entertained!" Well, to fight off the Guaranteed Reelection Blues, we’ve decided to recycle an already tired idea by posting the first part of a comprehensive report of Exciting and Confusing Searches which have recently led inquiring minds to our virtual doorstep, along with the kind of incicive commentary you've come to expect from our highly trained, slave-wage-earning editorial staff. It's...

Wrapped Up Like An Internet Search, part I: The Perverts
  • "having sex with twins" (OK, standard enough in the greater scheme of things.)

  • kinky slideshows ("And that's Uncle Bill in the body stocking next to Suzy Mae and her goat boyfriend. Next slide...")

  • "crushing things" woman videos (Getting farther afield…)

  • girls wrapped up (Let’s see them go to the prom without me now!)

  • woman pull up shirt ballgame (Not often enough, unfortunately.)

  • hairy nude coed girls (Try the international dorms.)

  • mamby girls sex (But keep those pamby girls away from me.)

  • anal cavity searches at customs (Only if you ask nicely.)

  • Neil Bush Sex Romps (See also Embarrassing Presidential Brother Syndrome, or Roger Clinton’s Disease.)

  • "Laura Bush naked" (Shannen Doherty's got the pictures.)

  • naked blonde NY hotel heiress (Yeah, what was her name again?)

  • DID MAGIC JOHNSON HAVE A HOMOSEXUAL ENCOUNTER (He might tell you if you stop shouting.)

  • Magic Johnson + group sex (Busy guy.)

  • c-baby nude (Hey now! Getting a little out of line!)

  • free c-baby panties (Callin’ the cops now…)

  • People wrapped up in bags (And lovin’ it!)
If you, the loyal readers, find this incredibly tiresome, make sure to drop by my spider hole and voice your concerns so I may ignore them accordingly. Good day to you, and to the woman this morning who said, "What an annoying bus driver."