News You Can Abuse
Regular readers have probably noticed that it's been a while since WULAD has mentioned our favorite local morning news personality, Darya Folsom—and though she’s slowly begun the process of forgiving us for spilling the beans about her altercation with our then-significant signifyin’ monkey Paris Hilton, there is still a long way to go before all is right between us.
So in the spirit of this reborn camaraderie, we would like to present, in our best recollection, an example—originally aired Friday morning—of just how excellently Ms. Folsom still does her job, despite the constant haranguing from yahoos like me.
A little background: Darya and Talking Head #2 had just finished some story about kittens or something, when TH2 suddenly makes an urgent announcement...
TH2: And now we’ve got some breaking news, from Miami—look at this boat on fire!Ha! Stupid firefighters! I found it very reassuring that despite the sometimes overwhelming array of tragedy and intrigue that comprises current events, people like Ms. Folsom and Mr. Head can still find the time to share those stories that, while not momentous on the level of national politics, global affairs or scientific breakthroughs, still speak to the basic human interests of the common citizen—like a boat on fire!
[Shot of boat on fire.]
Darya: Wow! Look at that!
TH2: And we’re told they’ve cut the boat loose to let it float out to sea—
Darya: Wait, now there’s somebody swimming out! They’re trying to bring it back!
[Shot of guy trying to grab the boat’s line and drag it back to the dock.]
TH2: Well, that takes a lot of courage.
Darya: Yeah, either that or stupidity!
[Man pulls the boat back to dock.]
TH2: OK, actually we’re being told that it’s a firefighter who’s pulling the boat back.
Bonus tidbit quote from the other morning news show, this morning:
Talking Head #3: Would somebody really mail in a winning lottery ticket?
TH-on-the-Scene: Yeah, it sounds crazy. Of course, not to disrespect the Post... um... uh... office.
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