Thursday, May 27, 2004

Blog to the Basics
As everybody knows, a new phenomenon called “blogging” is sweeping the nation. Blogging can take a variety of forms, but it always has the following characteristics, arranged in a handy mnemonic order:

Beginnings, when posting is beautiful and new
Observations on Hegel and your roommate’s new ‘do
Relentless pursuit of reciprocal links
Insufficient responses because your website stinks
Needy demands for support from the masses
Giving up and going back to sitting on your asses.

So in an effort to bring blogging back from the effete zeitgeist-tapping heights to which it has recently aspired and return it to its kvetching roots, I will relate the following anecdote:

The guy in front of me at the coffee place this morning was an idiot. It was like he’d never ordered food before in his life.

Idiot: Um, yeah... lemme see... how ‘bout...
Clerk: Yes?
Idiot: Yeah, uh... bagel? You have bagels?
Clerk: Yes. What kind?
Idiot: Eh?
Clerk: What kind of bagel do you want?
Idiot: Oh, um...
Clerk: Plain, poppy, raisin, onion…
Idiot: Just a regular one is fine.
Clerk: Plain?
Idiot: Hm? Yeah, plain.
Clerk: Cream cheese?
Idiot: What?
Clerk: Do you want cream cheese? We got plain, chive, salmon…
Idiot: Oh, plain is fine.
Clerk: Plain with plain. Something to drink?
Idiot: Oh, yeah... uh... [Stares uncomprehendingly up at menu.] Just, uh... water or something. A glass of water.

(Now keep in mind that this guy is at a takeout coffee shop with no seats—and he’s asking for a glass of water. And he didn't appear to be on drugs or anything.)

Clerk: Water? Bottled water OK?
Idiot: Uh, sure, bottled water, right...

There you have it, folks. No highbrow tales of the kulturkampf here. Just good old-fashioned hatred of our fellow man from your friendly webnorhood WULAD.