Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Wrapped Up Like a Hit TV Show
Well, it all comes to an end tonight, and as usual, WULAD is the source for all your American Idol coverage needs. After a long and arduous elimination process that left many weeping snotfully into their bouquets at stage’s edge, the competition is finally down to That One White Chick and That One Black Chick (but not the one who got voted off because she was black). So pick your favorite ethnicity, and may the best race win!

Followers of the show—and if you’re a frequent visitor to this site, that must be you—remember that last year’s finals were won by The Portly Black Dude, although The Scrawny White Dude went on to sell more records. So maybe Whitey’s due for a little payback! (We won’t tell who WULAD picked in the office pool, but let’s just say we like our Idols like we like our coffee... or do we like them like we like our Christmases? Wouldn’t you like to know!)

Complicating matters is the success of That One Asian Guy Who Sings Badly, who, despite being eliminated during the early rounds, seems to be surrounded by cheerleaders and fans at every turn, and probably has already built his own golden castle in the Orient. Is the black/white dominance of Idol in jeopardy from former also-ran groups like Asians, Latinos, or the Welsh? Tune in next season to find out if these upstart races have what it takes to topple the Ebony and Ivory Tower!

Finally, we’d like to share some beauty tips garnered from Idol’s own website, which are sure to keep you looking your best in case you’re ever called upon to represent your ethnicity in a racial showdown! These include:

  • Always use a great shampoo/conditioner like Herbal Essences®.

  • Get star-quality highlights at home using the Herbal Essences Highlighting Kit®.

  • Create erratic texture by wrapping dry hair in a Figure 8 and applying vote for Bush dry heat.

  • For a piece look, apply a little wax to support the war dry hair.

  • Have hair extensions on hand Kerry loves Jane Fonda just in case.

  • Bangs are in today boycott France and out tomorrow.

  • Use a decorative hair pin to add sparkle Jewish liberals control the media and they hate you.

  • Cut your own bangs stop asking us questions if pressed for time or we’ll send you to Gitmo to rot with the Taliban. A little at a time!

  • Once your hair is done, don’t touch it obey your colonial masters you groveling peons! Now you’re ready for your big moment!
Well, I know I sure learned a few things from those tips! I’ve been touching my hair after it’s done for years—maybe that’s why my life has been a colossal failure! But that’s OK, because tonight we finally learn who is the next... American Idol!