Thursday, May 13, 2004

Not Bad for a Thursday
Attention good citizens of the U. S. of A: There are no “Laura Bush Crotch Shots” here! And while it saddens us to admit this shortcoming, we’d like to think that what we may lack in the “Literary Patriotism” or “Joe Rogan Shirtless” Depts., we more than make up for in cutting commentary, scathing satire, and gnawing gnarrative.

“That’s well and good, my dear ‘LAD,” you might say, “but where is this commentary/satire/gnarrative of which you speak?” And this would be a fair criticism, as recently the WULAD Posting Patrol has been off the wagon and lying in a ditch with our pants down and covered in moss and birdshit, productivity-wise. Perhaps those naked human pyramids the motivational speaker organized in the break room have not been so effective as one would have hoped.

With any luck this will be remedied next week, and the sweet nectar of smartness will once again flow through this website as smoothly as mock outrage flows through a congressional Republican.

Meanwhile, enjoy this list of ways that President Action Figure’s War on Everything has made things better for America:

  • Located and destroyed huge stockpiles of dangerous particle weapon known as “sand”

  • Improved image and expanded goodwill towards U.S. with all Arabs named Chalabi, Saud, or Wolfowitz

  • Demonstrated superiority of American parlor games such as Two-Handed Pointing-and-Smoking and Don't Fall Off the Box (Unless You Want Your Genitals to Light Up Like a Christmas Tree)! to worldwide audience

  • Introduced Iraqis to lovable pets Fluffy and Bud, the interrogation dogs

  • Provided complimentary razing of statue of Saddam, to be replaced at soonest possible date with 40-story Great Pyramid of Condoleeza, constructed by cheerful Iraqi volunteers gently motivated by loving whip of Paul Bremer

  • Transformed Afghanistan from chaotic, war-torn land into… uh, well…

  • Arranged to have prominent star of National Football League and National War League traded to the great All-Madden Team in the sky

  • Laid groundwork for democratic constitution in Iraq, encompassing such protections as the freedom to play nude twister, the freedom from being dragged on a leash unless you deserved it and you probably did, and the freedom of assembly and disassembly

  • Opened up large portions of the Middle East for research into newly-discovered Stone Age cultures

  • Paid for new Hundred-Dollar-Bills-on-a-Roll® brand toilet tissue in Bechtel’s executive restroooms

  • Recovered large cache of weapons sold to Iraq by rogue states such as the U.S.
And some unpatriotic souls still have the gall to question whether this gloriously triumphant and triumphantly glorious war has been worthwhile!