15 Things John Kerry Can Say to Win Over the Voters
While President Bush’s approval rating has dropped to the lowest level of his term in office, Democratic challenger John Kerry’s support does not appear to have increased accordingly. What are some possible statements Kerry could make to energize the electorate and capitalize on this opportunity?
- “One of the things I learned while at an elite Ivy league school, living on my rich family’s dime and dressing in only the finest haute couture, is that the working class may be smelly—but they’re the backbone of this nation.”
- “My fellow Americans, I now present the next vice-president of the United States... the Detroit Pistons!”
- “If there is one thing of which the American people can be sure, it is that if John Kerry takes his wife to a Parisian sex club, you’d better believe she’s going to put out.”
- “The Republicans like to accuse me of being weak on defense—that is completely false. Why, just this week, I led an elite team of commandos on a covert raid that resulted in the capture and neutralization of Michael Dukakis, who now serves as my whimpering, naked footstool.”
- “If I may paraphrase a sentiment I often heard in war-torn Saigon—America, I be your number-one girlfriend.”
- “My fellow Americans, I now present the next vice-president of the United States... Jane Fonda!”
- “I will be like a Botox injection in the face of our nation: smoothing away wrinkles and age lines, and restoring a younger-looking, healthier glow. I am also indicated for the treatment of blepharospasm associated with dystonia, including benign essential blepharospasm or VII nerve disorders in people 12 years of age and above.”
- “If there’s one thing I took from my experience fighting for my country in the jungles of Vietnam, it’s the realization that I was a complete nutjob to volunteer to fight for my country in the jungles of Vietnam.”
- “To those who oppose my candidacy, I draw from the golden words of that great American orator, Richard Cheney: Go f*ck yourselves.”
- “My fellow Americans, I now present the next vice-president of the United States... Noam Chomsky!”
- “Mr. Bush, tear down this standard Keynesian demand stimulus-based economic policy!”
- “Ralph Nader likes to say that there’s no difference between the two major parties. I respectfully disagree, and I say to his supporters: there’s room for you under our tent, so consider casting your vote for me, George Bush. I mean John Kerry.”
- “The American people should know that I contain 50% fewer carbs than any other candidate.”
- “I know what you’re thinking: Does Kerry have a message of his own, or is he just about getting rid of Bush? Well let me remind you: Bush. Just think about it for a second. Eh? Thought so.”
- “My fellow Americans, I now present the next vice-president of the United States... Spider-Man!”
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