Thursday, June 03, 2004

All the Total Information Awareness that’s Fit to Print
George Tenet, master decoder-ring-wielder and superspy, has packed his bags and is leaving the CIA. Fortunately for our readers, WULAD’s Intelligence Informators have just inked a deal with Tenet to publish his tell-all memoirs in time for next year’s summer book season. Among the revelations to be found within:

  • Kyrgyzstan and Kazakhstan are actually the same country, but file separately to increase foreign aid and secure more "comp" seats at the Olympic beach volleyball finals

  • The role of Pope John Paul II is being played by a heavily made-up Tim Conway while the actual Pope undergoes treatment for his addiction to shopping

  • During the early 90s, Presidents Nixon, Johnson, Carter, and Reagan carried out a series of bank robberies in California before disappearing while attempting to surf the fifty-year storm at Bells Beach, Australia

  • The bombing of the U.S.S. Cole was masterminded by Art Garfunkel

  • President Bush’s cabinet is constitutionally empowered to order him to take a “time out” if he becomes overly excited

  • Patrick Duffy is alive and in your shower. That part where he died was a dream

  • When captured, dirty-bomb suspect Jose Padilla was in the midst of a secret plan to carry the Bill of Rights deep into Washington and cast it into the fires of Mount Congress—for there it was forged, and only there can it be unmade

  • Dick Cheney eats peanut butter and hundred-dollar-bill sandwiches on a daily basis

  • The CIA was not only aware of the September 11th plot, it also knows about what you did in your Aunt Ruthie’s closet when you were 16, and how you disposed of the evidence

  • Al Gore has been secretly running the U.S. government from his garage for the past three years

  • As new information has come to light, the CIA has asked the bank to stop payment on its checks to Augusto Pinochet, the Shah of Iran, Manuel Noriega, the School of the Americas, "Papa Doc" Duvalier, General Suharto, Mobutu Sese Seko, Sheik Abdel Rahman, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, and Ahmed Chalabi

  • Mookie’s grounder goes through Buckner’s legs? Ask the KGB about that one.