Secrets Ronald Reagan Took to His Grave
- Caspar Weinberger’s pet name for his schlong
- The location of the National Strategic Cheez Whiz Reserve
- The definitive answer to “how many Sandinistas does it take to screw in a lightbulb with electrodes attached to their genitals?”
- Inspirational words whispered to him by Mary Lou Retton in heat of forbidden passion
- Nation brought to brink of war in 1983 by rogue Pentagon computer system; averted when computer played tic-tac-toe with a young Ferris Bueller and that weird chick from The Breakfast Club
- "Bonzo" was actually a very hairy dwarf
- Existence of hidden passageway to Chuck E. Cheese's Secure Pizza-Time White House Command Bunker and Galaxy of Fun
- Gorbachev’s pet name for Caspar Weinberger’s schlong
- Accidentally destroyed Cuba in nuclear attack while sleepwalking; all subsequent footage shot on Hollywood sound stage with animatronic Castro created by Jim Henson's Creature Shop
- Barbara Bush? He hit dat
- Ron Jr. possesses superhuman strength and abilities but chooses not to use them
- Once played "doctor" with C. Everett Koop behind the garage
- the Secret of NIMH
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