Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Secrets Ronald Reagan Took to His Grave

  • Caspar Weinberger’s pet name for his schlong

  • The location of the National Strategic Cheez Whiz Reserve

  • The definitive answer to “how many Sandinistas does it take to screw in a lightbulb with electrodes attached to their genitals?”

  • Inspirational words whispered to him by Mary Lou Retton in heat of forbidden passion

  • Nation brought to brink of war in 1983 by rogue Pentagon computer system; averted when computer played tic-tac-toe with a young Ferris Bueller and that weird chick from The Breakfast Club

  • "Bonzo" was actually a very hairy dwarf

  • Existence of hidden passageway to Chuck E. Cheese's Secure Pizza-Time White House Command Bunker and Galaxy of Fun

  • Gorbachev’s pet name for Caspar Weinberger’s schlong

  • Accidentally destroyed Cuba in nuclear attack while sleepwalking; all subsequent footage shot on Hollywood sound stage with animatronic Castro created by Jim Henson's Creature Shop

  • Barbara Bush? He hit dat

  • Ron Jr. possesses superhuman strength and abilities but chooses not to use them

  • Once played "doctor" with C. Everett Koop behind the garage

  • the Secret of NIMH