Qualities Which Led Kerry to Pick John Edwards as Running Mate
- Soft, supple hands
- Extensive training in the ancient art of the Kama Sutra
- Telepathic mastery of four radioactivity-proof titanium tentacles attached to a stainless-steel harness encircling his lower chest and waist
- Fluency in conversational Esperanto
- Once dove into frozen pond behind Uncle Willy’s barn to save Kerry from drowning after thin spring ice collapsed during after-school hockey game
- Among vice-presidential front-runners, only one who didn’t nail Kerry’s daughter at Cannes
- Encyclopedic knowledge of TV show Babylon 5, crucial in potential White House Sci-Fi Trivia Challenge
- Wife Elizabeth Edwards’ delicious lasagna recipe coveted by Kerry, along with her juicy, round ass
- Ability to build consensus by bringing disparate parties to the table to find common ground, and then relentlessly beating those with opposing viewpoints into bloody submission
- Appeal to Southern voters and those with a fetish for the hairstyles of the 1980s
- McCain said no
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