Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Qualities Which Led Kerry to Pick John Edwards as Running Mate

  • Soft, supple hands

  • Extensive training in the ancient art of the Kama Sutra

  • Telepathic mastery of four radioactivity-proof titanium tentacles attached to a stainless-steel harness encircling his lower chest and waist

  • Fluency in conversational Esperanto

  • Once dove into frozen pond behind Uncle Willy’s barn to save Kerry from drowning after thin spring ice collapsed during after-school hockey game

  • Among vice-presidential front-runners, only one who didn’t nail Kerry’s daughter at Cannes

  • Encyclopedic knowledge of TV show Babylon 5, crucial in potential White House Sci-Fi Trivia Challenge

  • Wife Elizabeth Edwards’ delicious lasagna recipe coveted by Kerry, along with her juicy, round ass

  • Ability to build consensus by bringing disparate parties to the table to find common ground, and then relentlessly beating those with opposing viewpoints into bloody submission

  • Appeal to Southern voters and those with a fetish for the hairstyles of the 1980s

  • McCain said no