Monday, November 15, 2004

Secret Reasons Behind Colin Powell’s Resignation

  • Reputation never recovered after accusations of exaggerating and misrepresenting stockpiles at 2002 White House Easter Egg Hunt

  • Still fuming over having hands put in warm water while asleep at Cabinet Summer Camp

  • Wants to renew focus on his first love: self-flagellation

  • Committed to helping son and FCC chairman Michael Powell stamp out indecency on the airwaves by personally reviewing every episode of Playboy TV’s Night Calls before broadcast

  • Feels he has a “pretty good shot” at becoming president of George Washington University; or, barring that, King of Mardi Gras

  • Sick of all those late-night phone calls from President Can’t-Tuck-Himself-In

  • Not sure of the identity of the mysterious “C.R.” who kept sending him women’s underwear through interoffice mail, but it was creeping him out

  • Princess Zelda isn’t going to just save herself

  • Decided if he was going to be such an enemy of freedom by disagreeing with the President, he was better off doing it on his own dime

  • Plans to spend weekend at John Kerry’s house reuniting with old college friends including Jeff Goldblum, Kevin Kline, William Hurt, and Glenn Close, listening to old records, having sex, and contemplating lost youthful ideals

  • Entire run of “The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno” is burning a hole in his Tivo

  • Sick of all those early-morning phone calls from President Can't-Launch-His-Own-Nukes

  • Giving it all up and heading for East L.A. to teach Lou Diamond Phillips calculus—Orale!

  • Has already appointed himself Secretary of Get-the-Fuck-Outta-My-Office

  • Those Presidential Medals of Freedom should fetch enough on Ebay to buy his own damn island and hire white guys to shine his shoes

  • Hasn’t looked at a scrap of porn since 1978, and boy, is he in for a treat