Friday, November 05, 2004

Turning the Page?
Well, now that we’ve gotten that out of our system, let’s move on dot org to some other business and turn those expressions of unspeakable terror upside down.

Just kidding! It’s gonna be more wallowing in misery, for the foreseeable future. Today’s installment comes in two parts:

Part I: Best Post-Election Quotes from People I Know Personally
C-baby, as Fox calls Ohio for You-Know-Who: “I’m sorry we live in such a stupid country.”

Then later, “Do you think we could find some small country Bush hasn’t heard of and move there?”

Me: “What about Canada? It’s possible he hasn’t heard of Canada.”

Finally, the next day, I send a message to WULAD Wregular Shan-bear: “I won’t kill myself if you won’t.”

Her response: “I’m not promising anything.”

Part II: Possible Positive Consequences to Bush’s Reelection

  • Economic stimulus plan includes free Iraqi or Afghan servant boy for every household

  • As an alternative to life in prison, “Three-Strikes” felons may now choose to face Dick Cheney in Thunderdome

  • Non-Christians are given chance to begin new life in recently-created Antarctic paradise colony of “Fuckoffistan”

  • After being replaced as Secretary of State, Colin Powell now free to pursue his true passion: weeping

  • In order to give citizens more free time, frequency of elections reduced to once every fifty years

  • New “Minds at Ease” broadcast code protects Americans from encountering uncomfortable images, facts, or opinions when accidentally turning on the TV before the start of Rudy Giuliani’s Capital Punishment Hour

  • Nuclear fallout provides a deep, surprisingly long-lasting sunless tan, saving you thousands at the salon

  • In gesture of conciliation, Bush declares John Kerry Benevolent Feudal Overlord of Fallujah

  • Some people consider electrified genitals a good thing, and you should start agreeing with them
P.S. Thanks to Sfist for the shout-out.