Attention, WULAD Shoppers!
Believe it or not, I actually came this close to buying a Spoonbender t-shirt for C-Baby last week, when I suddenly thought, “Why give up my girlfriend’s chest as advertising space for that shitheel, I mean talented writer, when I could use it to advertise for myself?” (Although, of course, it was really about buying her something nice. Sort of nice.)
Anyway, before you could say “self-aggrandizement,” I had created, out of thin air, the marvelous WULAD Pride Store, featuring the aforementioned t-shirt and other beautiful merchandise to proclaim your status as a patron of the internet’s Hottest Home of Hilarious Horseshit. So head on over and load up on the tree-trimmin’est, lords-a-leapin’est, God-bless-us-all-every-one’innest crap you ever laid your sugar-plum-dancin’ eyes on!
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News Stories I Won’t Be Satirizing
Every so often there comes a time in a man's life when he looks at what he's made of himself, and until that day comes here's four stories which I'll be passing on running through the ol' WULAD Humor Machine.
- Exploding Zamboni: No, it’s not the new post-punk sensation sweeping the nation; it really happened. If I were going to attempt to satirize this story, it would probably be something along the lines of, “Other exploding objects to avoid during the holiday season: snow blowers, Christmas tree flockers, chestnut-roasters, reindeer inseminators, Regis Philbin,” and so on. But I’m not.
- Army Guy Offs his Gay Iraqi Boy Toy: This is a real heart-warmer for the holidays. Satire for this one would most likely include a reference, à la Annie Hall, to how in addition to screwing the Iraqis figuratively, we’re now doing it literally as well. And maybe something about Regis. But again, passing on this one.
- Campaign of Deception Used to Push Patriotic Song Up Charts: Hmm. How about, “Campaign of Deception? More like Crap-paign of De-Crap-tion!” Or, “Can those yokels even spell ‘campaign’ or ‘deception’? ” See what I mean? Forget it.
- Cheesesteak Death Threat: Regis? No, never mind. I’m telling you, you should be thanking me for my restraint.
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