Monday, December 20, 2004

Attention, WULAD Shoppers!
Believe it or not, I actually came this close to buying a Spoonbender t-shirt for C-Baby last week, when I suddenly thought, “Why give up my girlfriend’s chest as advertising space for that shitheel, I mean talented writer, when I could use it to advertise for myself?” (Although, of course, it was really about buying her something nice. Sort of nice.)

Anyway, before you could say “self-aggrandizement,” I had created, out of thin air, the marvelous WULAD Pride Store, featuring the aforementioned t-shirt and other beautiful merchandise to proclaim your status as a patron of the internet’s Hottest Home of Hilarious Horseshit. So head on over and load up on the tree-trimmin’est, lords-a-leapin’est, God-bless-us-all-every-one’innest crap you ever laid your sugar-plum-dancin’ eyes on!

[End commercial. Actual content to follow.]

News Stories I Won’t Be Satirizing
Every so often there comes a time in a man's life when he looks at what he's made of himself, and until that day comes here's four stories which I'll be passing on running through the ol' WULAD Humor Machine.

  • Exploding Zamboni: No, it’s not the new post-punk sensation sweeping the nation; it really happened. If I were going to attempt to satirize this story, it would probably be something along the lines of, “Other exploding objects to avoid during the holiday season: snow blowers, Christmas tree flockers, chestnut-roasters, reindeer inseminators, Regis Philbin,” and so on. But I’m not.

  • Army Guy Offs his Gay Iraqi Boy Toy: This is a real heart-warmer for the holidays. Satire for this one would most likely include a reference, à la Annie Hall, to how in addition to screwing the Iraqis figuratively, we’re now doing it literally as well. And maybe something about Regis. But again, passing on this one.

  • Campaign of Deception Used to Push Patriotic Song Up Charts: Hmm. How about, “Campaign of Deception? More like Crap-paign of De-Crap-tion!” Or, “Can those yokels even spell ‘campaign’ or ‘deception’? ” See what I mean? Forget it.

  • Cheesesteak Death Threat: Regis? No, never mind. I’m telling you, you should be thanking me for my restraint.
That’s it. Happy Monday, and my sympathy goes out to the person who came to this site searching for “my girlfriend cheating black guy”.