Thursday, January 13, 2005

Three Short Lists that Probably Should Have Stayed on the Drawing Board

Least Appropriate Sexual Innuendos

  • I’d like to remanufacture her carburetor!

  • I’ve got a final solution for her Jewish menace!

  • I’d sign her seven-year, $119 million contract!

  • I’d Haile her Salassie!

Best Excuses for Not Voting in Jan. 30 Iraqi Election
  • The polling is so poorly monitored that I’m afraid any yahoo with a 'C' average and some family connections could come in and steal the election

  • Still trying to see somebody about these electrified genitals

  • The last time I made my opinions known I ended up in a paper shredder

  • It’s not just that the road to my polling place is heavily mined—I’m OK with that, really—it’s that I just don’t believe any of the candidates would really speak for me, since they’re all dead

  • Saddam in '09!

Snippets of Conversation Between the Mars Spirit and Opportunity Rovers as They Gradually Succumb to Power Death

Spirit: Remember when we were doing all that science stuff? That was awesome.

Opportunity: Do you suppose they’re coming to get us? I’m sure they wouldn’t just leave us here.

Spirit: Did I tell you about when I changed tools to the Mössbauer spectrometer and placed it in the rock abrasion tool hole for a long integration? I did? Never mind.

Opportunity: I think Nietzsche was right; God is dead.

Spirit: Remember that show Perfect Strangers? I wonder whatever happened to that guy. No, not Balki, the other guy.

Opportunity: I never loved you.